MutteringFool

Holidailies Day 1

Of course, I have to do the traditional introduction post for Holidailies or else things would just be off kilter.

Quick and dirty since it is so late and I have been sick all week.

I’m Suzy, 36, married to Tony since forever (or 1998, whichever comes first.) We live in rural Virginia, in a beach town. We have no kids of our own, but have a gaggle of nieces and nephews whom we adore.

Freelance writing is what I do, mainly about body art and modification, but I have recently started writing for a local weekly newspaper, mainly covering government meeting. My most recent assignment is a feature story, that I am very excited to write.

In 2008 I was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma and had my right kidney removed. I had the diagnosis of “No Evidence of Disease” until August of this year and now I am in the watchful waiting stage. Basically, I have pulmonary nodules and we are waiting to see if they grown on my next scan.

Prior to the cancer, I had some physical disabilities due to various issues, after the cancer I suffer from severe lymphedema in my right leg which makes the mobility I had even more reduced. Regardless of that, I am still trying to live the best life I can, as long as I can.

MutteringFooldotCom is 11 years old this year, it started in March of 2000. I am not a Mommy blogger, nor do I like that term for women who are Moms and bloggers. That’s a story for another day, though.

So, again, quick dirty, this is who I am in a nutshell, more tomorrow and welcome to MutteringFooldotCom for Holidailies 2011.

Busy

Busy isn’t nowhere near big enough of a word for what this weekend has consisted of. So, bullets, then details.

*Sister got married (surprise!)
*Corey’s birthday party (2)
*Drove my Granny To almost NC. (long story)
*13th Wedding Anniversary! (wow!)

Ok, let’s start at the beginning. My sister, Mary, was engaged and Saturday was set to be her “engagement party.” Well, when they announced this I messaged her and tried to convince her to do a surprise wedding. Little did I know, but her and Alex were already planning this. Ha, I thought it was a good idea as this is a good week for anniversaries in our family (our’s, our parents (tony’s and mine) and now my sister and her husband.)

Well, Saturday night we got to the party and I was ready, I was sure she was getting married that night, and was prepared for it. I had even told two of my friends I was positive about it. Ha, fooled me, they got married Friday during the day, with just their children and our parents in attendance. We did get to see the video though, and lots of pictures. She looked beautiful, Alex was handsome. I am so happy for them, I cried.

I am absolutely positive that Alex is the man she was meant to be with. Her first marriage was just a bump in the road to this one. Hopefully, they have a lifetime of happiness with one another. I will say she smiles more around him, than she ever did her first husband. In fact, the sappy, gushy part? Reminds me of Tony and I back in the day. Now, we’re still sappy, but a more refrained, been together 15 years, married for 13 of them kind of sappy.

Next, Coren’s second birthday party. Now, Saturday night some of us, ahem, imbibed in a few too many adult beverages at the engagement/reception, then at the bar after that. Some of us, (yeah, me) may have felt meh on Sunday, nonetheless the party at my other sister, Katie’s, house went on for her sweet little Corey.

Then yesterday was our thirteenth anniversary. We spent the day together, doing not all that much other than just being together, then we went out and had a nice, long, relaxing dinner where we just talked and smiled. Overall, we had a wonderful evening with just the two of us, no big fanfare, no gifts this year for one another, but mainly because we need to save money and Christmas is coming fast.

Happy Anniversary, my Tony. I love you.

Now, the one down point to the whole weekend, my Granny is declining mentally and on Thursday of last week things came to a head where she was living. My amazing cousin, Martha met me near the NC border to pick Granny up and give this section of the family a break. Granny needs more help than we can give her, but that isn’t my decision to make.

Having written it out it doesn’t sound like much, but also I got a haircut, groceries were purchased, ran here and there, and well, other stuff.

I really need to update more as doing it once a month has made me lose my voice. I will work on that. Have a good one.

Complacent, no more.

As women we are taught to be nice, complacent, to do what is asked of us, lest we be called a bitch, whore, fat, ugly. We are taught, through society as a whole, that we are lesser beings than men, that we are not as smart as men, we aren’t as capable of men, we aren’t as good as men.

As women we are called “girls” by men to keep us in the mindset that they are in control. We are whistled at, hollered at, asked for things, over and over again. “Send me a picture.” “Show me your tits.” “You know you want me.”

With that we tend to just try and push past it. Ignore it, leave things be, we don’t want to disturb the peace or confront anyone. Until eventually we have enough, we push back. We say no, then again, we are fat, ugly, whore, bitches and not worthy of the praise of that man.

We are taught that our worth as a human being is based on whether or not some man wants to have sex with us. If we aren’t skinny, but, with large breasts, and a round ass, perfect height, long hair, we aren’t worthy.

If we don’t fall at his feet, we aren’t good enough.

You know what? We don’t need to be good enough for anyone other than ourselves. Fuck the men who pull this shit. They are not worthy of our friendship, our companionship, our love, our bodies, or our minds.

They do not have the right to demand anything of us. Regardless of what they may think, it is our right to decide about all of these things. They do not have the right to intimidate us, insult us, treat us badly because we don’t fall into their patriarchal mindset.

There are reasons behind what will surely be called an “outburst” tonight. Someone from my past got a hold of my cell number and was repeatedly texting me “send me a picture” “send me pictures of your body” “come on girl.” on and on over a couple of days.

I refused. I am not interested. I am happily married, and have been married for almost 13 years, I do not want this man. What finally brought me to the breaking point was: “You were on facebook, you could send me a picture.”

I do not have this man friended, my facebook is being brought back to friends only because of this, and he is watching to see what I am doing.

Finally, I said “Fuck off, you have no right to demand anything of me.” Yes, confrontational, but, I was just done with this guy. I knew what was coming, as it always does, you reject one of these assholes and “fuck you, you fat ugly bitch.”

Minutes earlier begging for pictures, now, I’m a fat ugly bitch? Can’t take rejection, can you? What kind of man chases a married woman anyway? Why is this automatically the reaction, no matter what?

I am tired of it. I spent many years being walked all over by men, prior to meeting my husband that is. He is a true man who would never make demands of a woman, then treat her like that. Real men treat women as their equals. Real men are worthy of our time, our love, our bodies, our souls. It is just fighting through all the men that aren’t worthy that tires many women, even long after we have found our real man.

The day is already starting to heat up. I can feel the humidity and heat rolling in, even before the sun rises over the horizon. My flag is flapping in the breeze, once again. I’m am still awake, as I have been since yesterday. My lack of a normal sleep schedule is horrendous.

I haven’t slept a full eight hours without waking up in months. My days and nights are turned around as if I was an infant. In fact, they have been turned around for a long time, but, it has only been recently that the insomnia has come back.

I read a lot. I’ll read anything when I am in the grips of the worst insomnia. I have even sunk as low as to reread the Twilight series just to try and fall asleep.

Today is supposed to be a busy day, I suppose I should grab a couple hours of sleep before it begins for me.

Good night all

Still on the Porch

There is a lot of traffic on this road, even at 6 AM on the weekend, the traffic isn’t as urgent though. Monday through Friday vehicles fly by here, starting at 3:45 AM, as the DC commuter folks head up the road. The traffic deluge slows around 7AM as the Dahlgren folk are through here.

This morning, I am sitting on the porch, again, watching traffic go by and the sun rise in the sky. It is still around 80 degrees, and the thermometer will begin climbing soon, so I am stealing some porch time while I can, before the oppression of the heat weighs us down to the point that it takes all we have to drag ourselves from one air conditioned place to the other. Or one air conditioned place, to the non air conditioned car, to another air conditioned place.

Yes, once again, we have no AC in our cars. Tony and I have never been able to keep a vehicle with working air conditioning for long. It is a losing battle so we roast while we drive, then enjoy the AC all the more, once we are back in it.

In fact, the living room AC is about five feet from me, hanging out the window, keeping our house cooler than the outside, and removing vast quantities of humidity from the air. I love it when it cycles off and all I can hear are the actual outside noises, the birds flying overhead, the frogs rustling across the street, the leaves as they move against one another. When we have a breeze, the flag flapping gently, and my one wind chime tinkles a beautiful tune, while the other wind chime, the prettier, more expensive wind chime, does nothing.

Oh, yes, I have a wind chime that I bought from Yankee Candle that, while very pretty, does not make a sound. We have had major rip roaring thunderstorms come through here, where stuff is flying off the porch, and not a single “tink” from this damn wind chime. When I get tired of looking at it and cussing it, I grab my cane and make the tubes hit one another.

That is obviously, not very damn satisfying, in fact it tends to tick me off more, so I holler at it. Yes, a grown ass woman hollers at a wind chime. Hell, I tell it about how the three dollar counterpart on the other side of the porch makes such beautiful music a with barely a breeze. Yet, the damn thing still sits there and taunts me.

I have a plan though, I’m going to add a piece to the damn thing and it will have no choice but to tinkle for me. Either that or I’ll take the damn thing down and put one of my pretty ass lanterns in its place. At least all the lanterns are supposed to do is hold a candle. This wind chime is supposed to hold a candle and sing, damn it!

The sun is peeking higher and higher up now, and the heat is starting to creep its way toward the upper stratosphere again. I’m contemplating whether or not I should do a decobwebbing of the porch prior to it becoming too hot to even contemplate it. I don’t know, I’m kind of enjoying sitting here, just me, my laptop, and the noises of the outside, even as the cars interrupt me.

The cobwebs will be here tomorrow, I can always do it then, I can’t always enjoy the morning on the porch though, so the spiders win for another day.

Have a good one,
Suzy Smith