There is no sleep tonight.

I am up in the middle of the night rewatching “Sex and the City” and actually enjoying it. It will make for a tired day tomorrow.

Just a few days ago I saw an ad for the new SATC season that is on the way this month. With the three characters who are there (no Samantha) all being married I am curious how this will go.

I will be said if any of them are divorced but I imagine that will happen.

Man, I need to trim my nails, typing is tough like this.

For the first time in 24 years, I have nice nails. No dishwashing, or house cleaning, less typing and they have grown nicley, but now I don’t understand how women with super long nails survive. They just get in the way although I do love painting them.

Yes, even in the hospital I am still painting them. I invested in some OPI and was gifted some and now I have festive red and glitter nails.

See, I’m trying to have some seasonal spirit.

time for bed.

I am bored.

I mean, there is only so much youtube anyone can watch, yet, I continue because there is only so much you can do from a bed.

Right now, I have videos running just for the noise. I’m just bored.

I need to go home. I had a breakdown last night about being here. My goal was home by Christmas.

Instead, we have put up Christmas lights and I have a small tree made of acrylic and cool lights.

It’s just hard to think about anything but home.

And that’s enough whining for today. tomorrow will be better.

13 years ago I had my nephrectomy.

Today I am heading into month 14 of my hospital stay. I’m tired of it. I want to be home but my body will not heal.

I am so down today that I shouldn’t be writing it is Holidailies time and my website is all dressed up for Christmas.

And so is my room. I have a string of lights and a small wildly lit Christmas tree. even if I am feeling no joy in the spirit of the time of year, I am trying.

It’s just hard to not be depressed when it is your second holiday season in a hospital. If only I could wake up tomorrow and be better.

We’re almost there. My surgery is Wednesday.

It’s what we have been working toward all this time. Yet, I am a nervous wreck.

I’m not really sleeping much as my anxiety pushes into my dreams and wakes me up. I’m trying to not let my fear show on my face, but Tony knows me too well.

He can see in my eyes that I’m afraid. Every time he leaves for work over the past week I have cried.

He has to work tonight and It’s 7 AM and I am already dreading him having to leave me.

There’s no way to fix this. I have tried all my tricks. Not even the Ativan is helping right now.

heJust two days now until 12 hours in the OR.

At the end of that day we’ll know more about what the rest of my life will be like and be on the watch for the complications.

Who wouldn’t be afraid?

Father Nick came to visit me on Friday and that helped soothe my soul some. He’s such a wonderful kind man. He is truly what a Christian should be. We talked and he prayed with me.

On Sunday I got to “attend” services at his church via the internet and that helped as well. Prior to COVID and then getting sick I had planned to start attending the Episcopal Church he heads but of course, everything went nuts.

I’ve been through a long time of a lack of faith. I had a large crisis of it, went in the opposite direction and ran from it. A few things have helped bring me back to it and I’m not going to go into that here.

I’m just glad it’s back.

Now, to get through Wednesday and beyond.

Until next time.

Suzy

Tonight just before Tony left for work I had a huge breakdown.

We had been talking about the time surrounding my surgeries last fall when I was extremely sick from infection and the multiple procedures. I was so ill that it affected my mind in some horrible ways.

I had several hallucinations during the time. Some good, some bad, a couple horrendously scarring.

There is no doubt I am going to need some serious therapy after all of this for PTSD.

As we were talking about how sick I was and how, hopefully, post this surgery I’ll be in better shape (and not on a vent or having a tracheotomy.)

I had a flashback to one hallucination that is so real to my mind that I burst into tears.

You see I hallucinated that we were involved in a massive shooter situation and Tony was going to die in it.

Just writing that out is hard, but the imagery in my brain is so real even as I know it didn’t happen and he is fine.

The night it happened, I held onto his hand so hard and begged him,as best I could being trached, to stay, but the ICU nurse forced him to make me let go of his hand so he could leave me.

And, just writing that I’m crying again and cannot even see what I am typing.

I’m praying that we can get the doctors to order that he can stay. We have an order in place now that he can be here overnight.

I also hope I have a nurse that doesn’t tear my husband from my hands when my brain is telling me he is going to die.

This past 10 month has been so traumatic in so many ways.

I just hope, and pray, the next 10 will be better.

The surgery countdown is moving so fast. September 8th is the day. Let’s get beyond the surgery, healthy and healing and with no complications.

Other than the trauma already in place. I’ll fight through that. Dammit, I just want to be better and home.

I miss my house, my town, my job, and my family so damn much.

17 days from now. It’s too far and too soon all at once.