Archive for October, 2004

Friday, October 15th, 2004


I’m not going anywhere for now. Due to the generosity of someone who wishes to remain anonymous, my site hosting is paid up through December. Let me tell you, that right there is a wonderful thing. This journal of mine has been a lifesaver over the past 4.5 years and the thought of losing it was killing me. So, thank you, again, my friend, you rule.

And, I have to thank everyone else who commented or emailed me or called me. The words of encouragement, the offers of ideas, etc, really made me realize how lucky I am to have people I can call my friends all over the world.

I thank you all, and I promise, I will be getting back to you in email.


Other than that, things are about the same. Mentally, I’m still in a bad place. I know it and so does everyone around me. The whole “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” thing just isn’t working this time. All I want to do is pull a blanket over my head and stay there for awhile.

I can’t, because it seems the whole family would collapse if I did. Or at least the majority of them. Everyone is going out of town this weekend, except for Tony and I so it will at least be quiet around here. A little bit of quiet sounds quite nice, right now. No kids pulling at me or climbing on me. It will be nice not to feel touched out for a couple of days.


The job search is not going well. I’ve got resumes all over the state of Virginia, I’ve applied for every job that I might possibly have a chance of being able to do, which honestly isn’t that many. The whole gimpy leg thing is really getting me down, right now. I want to be able to work so we’ll have money coming in but, the limitations I’m under are just pressing down on me.

Hell, I even thought about reapplying to the last major company I worked with, until I realized that it’s about half a mile from the closest parking spaces to where I would work in the building. That just isn’t doable without some sort of motorized chair or scooter. No matter how many times I dream of having my old body back, my bad leg and hip aren’t going to heal in some miraculous manner. I’m stuck with the body I have, I just have to figure out a way around this.

This weekend will be a weekend of rest for me, as my feet look like swollen baked potatoes. If you press on my foot, the dent stays for quite some time. It’s a side effect of the gimpiness and overdoing things this week with having two kids here instead of just one.

And, that is what I’ve been up to. To recap, I’ll be here through December (hooray for wonderful people), I’m still trying to find work, I’m still gimpy, and I’m still dreaming of winning the lottery.

I’ll write more soon, thanks for sticking around through all of this.

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004

I have four draft posts sitting here, that will never see the light of day. Through the past 3 weeks, I have been trying to figure out a way to write without being a complete bummer.

Yeah, it’s not going to work.

I finally sat down with Tony the other night and told him what’s been going on in my head. Life has just become so overwhelming to me that I’ve descended back into the pit. This has only happened a couple of times in my life and never to this point.

My brain couldn’t wrap around what had caused this plummet into the dark place. I coldn’t articulate all of this to Tony. In fact, all I could do was cry. Then, today while Tre was asleep, my mind woke up and started kicking my ass all over the room.

It’s everything. Our finances (or lack thereof), my health, my family, things that are going on around town.

Mainly, it’s money though. I freak out every time I think of how little is left before we literally have nothing. Everything right now is flowing out, nothing is coming in. Neither of us has found work, yet.

Yes, I’m looking for work. I’m extremely limited in choices due to being disabled, having a car that I’m afraid to drive too far, and having been out of the workforce for 5.5 years. I have resumes everywhere and not a single nibble.

Which comes to the next part. I have my webspace for 15 more days. After that, well, I can’t justify paying 1o dollars a month for this space while we’re under such tight financial restraints. I’m looking for other ways to keep this site up but, even a 5 dollar plan is more than I should be spending on this.

I’m keeping my internet connection as long as I can as it helps with the job hunt and with Tony’s school. I’ll be writing here over the next 2 weeks and after that, well, who knows.

Four and a half years of journalling, 4 years here at it has been one of the best parts of my life and I don’t want to give it up but, I don’t see anyway around it.

As I said, I’ll still be here for the next 15 days, after that I’ll update to the notify list until the day comes that I can bring back and

I have to stop now, I’m not helping myself leave the pit, this is just making it worse. And I can’t even see the screen anymore.