Archive for August, 2005

Monday, August 8th, 2005

I’m doing a bunch of housekeeping around here, including closing a billion pages down that are just a waste of space anymore.

So, the links are a mess, the archives are done, and well, it may be awhile before it is all fixed.

I’m also moving folders on my graphics, which means those may be broken in spots as well. I’ll have an entry tomorrow, I promise.

Monday, August 8th, 2005

Archives are now password protected. I’m going to be doing a lot of changes around here as I’m tired of having so much of my life out there.

I will still be writing but, the entries will only remain up for a week or so.

Monday, August 1st, 2005

What do you do when someone asks you how you are and your reply is “I’m miserable”? Do you suck it up and march on, or wait for them to ask why? Does your heart break into a million pieces when they don’t even bother?

And, then change the subject, acting like you weren’t sitting there, with you head in your hands, tears threatening to burst forth, again, for the third time that day. They walked away.

Do you scream and rage? Or hold back the tears, burning like a thousand suns, making everything go blurry, and continue on with the task at hand, hiding your misery from everyone else around you?

You pick up the small child, who senses better than anyone else, how truly awful you feel, hug him tight to you, as he kisses you gently. You walk away from the rest of them, trying to hold your head high, even though it is slumping lower and lower everyday, it gets harder to hold it up, harder to hide what is really going on inside you.

You hide from your friends and family, lest it all burst forth in a pause-less rampage and scare those around you.

New friends are found, ones who are far away and who can’t see that you’re sitting there talking or chatting, with the tears coming in silent streams, leaving dueling wet spots on the front of you. You pull back from everyone else, very seldom leaving your sanctuary, listening to conversations, reading forum threads, and not saying a word, lest you give it away.

Open up an empty document or grab a piece of paper and pen and stare at the enormous expanse, that you long to fill with your words but, you don’t, as someone would just throw them back at you. You close it, refusing to let go of it all, as you can’t do that, we DON’T do that. We hide from what’s inside.

We don’t talk beyond the barest of things. Oh, it’s hot, what’s for dinner, the nephew did this, that happened, I need to go to the store, I’m jumping in the shower. Stupid, pitiful conversations, that don’t go near any possible emotion.

Emotion is bad, you must stick with the program, there is no escape. There is only you, alone, yet not, miserable, willing a way to happiness.

Realizing that there may not be a way to it, anymore. This is what the universe, the fates, God, karma, whatever the fuck you do or don’t believe in, has dealt you. This is your life, the only one you have, the only years you get to walk upon this planet.

And that is the worst revelation of all.