Tony, Tre and Charlie are playing Lego Star Wars and I am sitting here cuddled into my robe watching last night’s television shows that were dvr’d.
Man, I am so glad that almost any cable package comes with a dvr now. I love being able to record shows and then watch shows later, it makes life so much easier with small, loud children in the house.
It is strange that when I was a teenager I didn’t watch much television, in fact I would much rather read a book, and even when tv was on I would still be reading. Now, I watch a lot more television but I am still reading most of the time as well. Only the reading I do as an adult is more online and it is just cheaper to have an internet connection than to buy the number of books I can go through in a month, hell, in a week.
Even having said all that, I have vowed to read more offline this year. I have drifted away from actual books to blogs and forums so much that I do not have as much of an attention span as I used to have. Which means I have to correct this. The only way to do that is to read at least a book a week.
Which means I am already one behind for the year. Time to go read, have a good one.
Bad pain day I really don’t feel like doing anything. Which is odd as early this morning I felt fantastic. Now it feels like my gut is being ripped apart so I am going to lie down and hope it relieves itself.
But, this counts as an entry, and I am not missing a day yet.
Last night while watching the second new episode of Scrubs, I got struck by how having kidney cancer has affected me. The main patient of the episode was dying, and he knew it. The conversations he had with JD and Turk about the fear and the not knowing struck me hard.
Ever since September when we found out I had a mass on my right kidney, then that it was cancer, I have thought about death and dying a lot. Mainly about how I very much want to live another 40 or 50 years but also of whether or not I would be able to accept my death.
Now, I did some of the responsible things writing out my wishes for a funeral, writing a will*, letting Tony and my sister Mary know what to do if I didn’t wake up from the surgery, and/or if the cancer had already spread so I wouldn’t have to deal with it then. I cried the whole time I was doing all of this. Hell, there are tears running down my face now but this is something I need to write.
Needless to say this has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Just writing out things like: Put me in capri pants and a sleeveless top, no bra and no shoes and if I am going to be a vegetable let me g0, have been harder than you could imagine. And, yes, what I want to be buried in is that, as those are the clothes I have always been the most comfortable in. I am not ready to die, the thought of not being here with Tony and not seeing my nephews and niece grow up hurts me to the core of my being.
Living is where I am focused now, though. I made it through the surgery, as far as we know the cancer had not spread anywhere. Hopefully, I will live much longer than the statistics for kidney cancer show. I am fighting to get healthier, losing weight, eating better, staying away from caffeine and sodium. Living is what I want, what I need to do.
I will live that is. There is no if, there is only must.
It is a damn shame when someone would like about having cancer to scam people. On a game I know of there is a player claiming to have lung cancer who has brought in “friends” to try and convince people to give him stuff so he’ll have more of a will to live.
Now, I might believe it if he knew anything about cancer, or cancer treatments, and if all his “friends” weren’t brand new accounts. It is similar to Kasey Nicole only on a smaller level. And if you haven’t heard of her, Wikipedia her entry.
I’m just tired today, and this person really irked me as they were trying to use the fact that I have kidney cancer to scam their way into the group I play with. sigh, some days it isn’t worth logging into my connection.
Alas, today is the final day of Holidailies. I will miss the push to update daily as it really is the portal that makes me feel guilty enough to sit down and write or put a picture up everyday.
To all who started reading from Holidailies, please stick around, I love having new readers. To those who have been here for a long time thank you for sticking around with me through all these years of my life. 2009 is the 9th anniversary of MutteringFooldotcom. Scarily enough, I had been writing for about a year prior to this online, so I have been journaling for 10 years.
10 years at something is a long time for me as most of my hobbies last a few months at best. Luckily enough this is one I particularly enjoy and I am not going anywhere.
I am about to lie down though as I am not feeling well. Here’s to a great day and a wonderful 2009.