The internet has been a blessing and a curse in this whole ordeal with kidney cancer. The blessings are the numerous friends I have praying for me, the information on treatment, finding the place for my MRIs, etc. The curses have mainly been watching other cancer patients die.
It happens, at least once a week I read about another one of the people in this web of cancer patients I know who have died. What makes this even sadder is that very often it is one of the young cancer patients, a 4 year old little boy, a 9-month-old baby girl, who have left us.
It is fucking hard to deal with. Words are not big enough to explain, to someone outside this circle, of what this is like. All of us are hoping and praying that we’ll be one of the lucky ones, one who is a long term survivor. I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t want that. Even those who have the worst kind of the cancers with the lowest of survival rates still have secret hopes that they will be the one to beat the odds.
My tumor staging and grading has a fairly good 5-year prognosis. Yet, those statistics mean dick if you are one of those who die within those 5 years. So, we hold on, hoping, praying, holding our breathes between scans. And, when you get an answer that is inconclusive it hits you in the gut.
Like, right now, I am waiting for the next step, to know whether or not their is further cancer on my adrenal gland. Or if it is just scarring or swollen from additional blood flow to it. Tomorrow I see my urologist again, and we’ll move forward on to the next part of treatment. Hopefully, I’ll know more within a few weeks, or if I have to wait longer, I will have better psychiatric medications to deal with all of this. And, I am not joking about that. Mentally, I am a wreck and if I need to take more drugs to help me handle this, I will.
Off for now, I need to finish washing clothes and sleep, I have a PCP appt in the AM and the urologist in the PM, so I need to get off of here.