Monthly Archives: January 2010

I jumped on the bandwagon, I have a formspring thingy. So jump in, harass me :D

I jumped on the bandwagon, I have a formspring thingy. So jump in, harass me :D

Just Tired.

I hurt my thumb on my left hand stupidly back on December 29th. My blanket was tucked under Tony, I went to yank it out, and boom a pop and pain. I saw one Doctor on the 30th, another on the next available date. Sprained, torn up shit, blah, blah, blah.

I went to the hand doctor, or well, his PA, today, and I have to go for an MRI of my hand next week, as it looks like I may have completely torn in half a tendon. If that is the case, they will have to operate on the hand.

Needless to say, that is not what I want, I am tired of being cut on, or having doctors poke at me. My body needs a break from illness or injury. I still have other surgeries that are planned: gastric bypass (yeah, cat’s out of the bag, this is planned for once I quite freaking out, carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, haglund’s repair and achilles reattachment on left foot, hernia repair of the incision line from my nephrectomy.

Fun stuff, isn’t it? Right now, I know I am facing all of this but, I am freaking out and refusing to move forward on any of it. I am tired of being cut, I don’t want anymore damn scars on my body. It’s bad enough that my entire abdomen from breastbone down INTO my belly button is one huge scar. It still hurts plus, that is where the hernias are underneath and I am just frustrated with it.

Right now I just can’t allow myself past the worry, the pure terror at another person slicing me open again. I know I need these surgeries. Intellectually, I absolutely realize I need all of this done. But, emotionally I am just not ready for it.

Yes, it makes no sense that I am putting this off. The longer I put this off, the more pain from things that can be fixed I have to deal with. Yet, I can not make myself make the calls to set up things with the fat ass doctor (yes, that is what I call the dr, and the surgery, fat ass, as that is what it is.) Nor can I make myself get things rolling with the other surgeries.

Part of it is I have another CT scan due to the kidney cancer coming up. I go on the 29th for them to radiate my insides and check to make sure the cancer hasn’t come back, or metastasized anywhere else. Having that hanging over my head every few months for the past 15 months has really gotten to me. While all the scans have come back good, just the one spot on the adrenal gland, that luckily has not changed, every time one comes up the fear comes back.

I know the fear is normal as on my RCC (renal cell carcinoma) support list there is even a name for it: scanxiety. A very silly word for a very serious thing. I am on Xanax when I am dealing with this as I get severe panic attacks and worry to the point of making myself physically ill. Sadly enough I think it is time to up the dosage as the one I’m on is no longer working. Sigh, like the meds I’m on aren’t enough?

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Several hours later I am feeling a bit better although still nervous. When I get my time of my scan (I know it is on the 29th, as my hand MRI is on the 28th) I will post it here. Any spare prayers or good thoughts for another good scan would be greatly appreciated.

Just Tired.

I hurt my thumb on my left hand stupidly back on December 29th. My blanket was tucked under Tony, I went to yank it out, and boom a pop and pain. I saw one Doctor on the 30th, another on the next available date. Sprained, torn up shit, blah, blah, blah.

I went to the hand doctor, or well, his PA, today, and I have to go for an MRI of my hand next week, as it looks like I may have completely torn in half a tendon. If that is the case, they will have to operate on the hand.

Needless to say, that is not what I want, I am tired of being cut on, or having doctors poke at me. My body needs a break from illness or injury. I still have other surgeries that are planned: gastric bypass (yeah, cat’s out of the bag, this is planned for once I quite freaking out, carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, haglund’s repair and achilles reattachment on left foot, hernia repair of the incision line from my nephrectomy.

Fun stuff, isn’t it? Right now, I know I am facing all of this but, I am freaking out and refusing to move forward on any of it. I am tired of being cut, I don’t want anymore damn scars on my body. It’s bad enough that my entire abdomen from breastbone down INTO my belly button is one huge scar. It still hurts plus, that is where the hernias are underneath and I am just frustrated with it.

Right now I just can’t allow myself past the worry, the pure terror at another person slicing me open again. I know I need these surgeries. Intellectually, I absolutely realize I need all of this done. But, emotionally I am just not ready for it.

Yes, it makes no sense that I am putting this off. The longer I put this off, the more pain from things that can be fixed I have to deal with. Yet, I can not make myself make the calls to set up things with the fat ass doctor (yes, that is what I call the dr, and the surgery, fat ass, as that is what it is.) Nor can I make myself get things rolling with the other surgeries.

Part of it is I have another CT scan due to the kidney cancer coming up. I go on the 29th for them to radiate my insides and check to make sure the cancer hasn’t come back, or metastasized anywhere else. Having that hanging over my head every few months for the past 15 months has really gotten to me. While all the scans have come back good, just the one spot on the adrenal gland, that luckily has not changed, every time one comes up the fear comes back.

I know the fear is normal as on my RCC (renal cell carcinoma) support list there is even a name for it: scanxiety. A very silly word for a very serious thing. I am on Xanax when I am dealing with this as I get severe panic attacks and worry to the point of making myself physically ill. Sadly enough I think it is time to up the dosage as the one I’m on is no longer working. Sigh, like the meds I’m on aren’t enough?

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Several hours later I am feeling a bit better although still nervous. When I get my time of my scan (I know it is on the 29th, as my hand MRI is on the 28th) I will post it here. Any spare prayers or good thoughts for another good scan would be greatly appreciated.

Birthday, weekend, and beyond….

Ok, so I haven’t posted since the 7th, but, I posted twice last week, and can still post twice this week, damnit.

Honestly, while I love Holidailies by the last few days I am tired of posting daily. Now, I will post twice a week or I am forbidding myself to buy anything new. That’s right, if I don’t post, I can’t shop. Ha. You should seem me and how much I will be willing to post to allow me to feed my shopping addiction.

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Tony turned 36 on Monday. We spent the weekend in Martinsburg, West Virginia, eating good food, drinking good drinks (well, me, anyway) going to clubs and just having a fabulous time. The two of us being off entirely by ourselves is wonderful. No family, no work, no deadlines, just us.

It is hard to believe that Tony is 36 now. We have been together since he was 22 and I was 21. We never expected that life would lead us where it has, that we would be this old and childless but, unfortunately that is the way it worked out for us.

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Yankee Candle sent me some fantastic coupons so I ordered several of their clearance candles and they came in today. All of the scents are fantastic and make me want to light everyone of them.

Right now I have a Sparkling Cinnamon one burning, in fact, I have actually been burning this one for quite some time. It is amazing how many hours these candles last. They claim up to 120 but, I know it has been more than that. I’d say I average burning it about 4 hours a day and it has been well over 30 days since I bought this one.

All of them I have bought I have liked, even the votive ones that I was unsure of. That really surprises me as most brands of candles I like only a few of their scents. Cucumber Melon for Spring, Cinnamon based for fall and winter, and in the Summer something light, depending on how I feel.

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Well, it is time to make Tony’s lunch for tomorrow and write up a grocery list for tomorrow. Have a good day all.