Archive for September 15th, 2010

A story (or letter, you decide)

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

I know now that you were just a kid.  I know now that you had no clue what I was feeling, what was going on in my head.  I know that, now, fifteen years later.  Then, all that I knew was pain.

My heart was ripped out from the loss of L.  I wanted nothing more than to lie down and die myself, along with him.  The only thing that kept me from doing that was you.  Then, one night you told me you had met her.  You were going to be with her.

I fell apart.  Now, L was gone, you were gone.  I was alone and dealing with the loss of L without you.  For a couple months I dealt with it.  I drank and drank and drank.  Anything I could drink  I did.

My fall into the dark hole got so bad that at a Halloween party we went to with friends, them (S and T), you and her, I got so drunk I could barely walk.

I got into my car and it was only you begging me not to drive that stopped me.   I refused to let you drive my car, making S do it.  I cried the whole way to their house.  I was defeated.  I just couldn’t deal anymore.

When we got to S and T’s I ignored you and continued to drink.  You still had no clue of why I was so upset.  L was gone just 2.5 months by now and you had moved on.  You had moved on from L and from me.  You left me alone.

I continued to try and be just friends with you.  I tried.  It lasted just a few more weeks until I met J.  I started dating him solely to try and break free of how alone I felt.  You were still there, I remember us sitting in your “apartment” beside the garage, me sitting on the floor, you lying on the bed and us discussing S and J.  We laughed and pretended they were the best things to ever happen to us.

I left that evening, no tears fell until I was out of you sight.  Then, they began and didn’t stop for hours.  I knew it was time to start breaking off contact.  I quit coming around to T and S as much.  When, I did, I went straight into their house.

I was the reason they wanted you to go.  My heart just knew if you weren’t there it would be easier for me to see them.  And, it was.  At first it was worse as I missed being your friend, even if that was all we had.  Slowly, I got angry at all the things you had done that had hurt me.

And, that is why whenever I saw you after that I avoided you.  I was hurt and angry and tired of dealing with you.  If I was angry I wouldn’t cry over you anymore.
It helped.  Then, I started hanging out with all my other friends more and it got better.  I continued going to college, meeting a new friend.  One who had a brother.

She brought him to meet me and I knew that there had been a reason that you hurt me the way you did.  You were not the man meant for me, he was.

I was still with J for a short time, as I afraid he would harm himself if I broke up with him (not the most stable guy in the world.)  Eventually, I became a big enough bitch that he broke up with me.

I waited, sometimes not so patiently for my college friend’s brother.  He asked me out one night, I said yes.  From there on out I was happier than I thought I ever would be.  Fourteen years later, I still am.

For years I would bump into you, here or there, then you disappeared.  We still had mutual friends so I knew bits and pieces of your life.

Now, I’ve finally been in the same place as you, again.  Eventually even spoke a few words to you.  I’ve known since the day I met my husband that you weren’t the right man.  Now, I can say I am over the anger.  Life’s too short to remain as angry as I was.

I’m glad that I realize this now.  I’m glad that the anger has left me.  I’m glad you did, too.