Yes, I fucked up National Blog Posting Month but, I have been working on NaNoWriMo and my brain hurts. I started this novel on November first, unfortunately, I have been reading a series of books, throughout. My brain tried to intertwine the two so I had to whomp out all the bits that do not fit my story.
This is the first fiction I have written in a couple years that may actually be publishable. I am a nonfiction writer, I know that. My writing is based on my life, my experiences, for the most part. It is only when my brain delves into fiction that writing becomes difficult for me.
Don’t get me wrong, this journal is not good writing, it is always “stream of consciousness” and never edited for grammar or spelling. It is the one place in the world I can let it all go. Or I used to be able to let it go. Over the years it has become more difficult as more and more people from my life come to read it. Just offhand I know my sisters do (hi Mary and Katie!,) my best friends do (Hi Huzzy and Stacy!) as well as a multitude of local people that found me through my Hurricane Isabel pictures, or from when I finally gave up on keeping “Suzy Smith” and “Susan Pietras-Smith” as two separate people.
Hiding from who I am has never worked for me. The more I hide it, the worse things become. Over the last few years, as my writing here as become less and less (except for NaBlPoMo and Holidailies) I have felt trapped within myself.
Then, I’ll write an entry that actually means something and having it sitting out there is hard. There are two from this past few months that are difficult to have out there, one that I can not reread as it brings me back to the 19/20 year old Susan who I don’t really like all that much. She had issues, major issues, that were compounded by bad choices, bad relationships, and other things that make me cringe.
I left her behind until August of this year, until seeing one person let all that bullshit flood back. It took a couple months to get past that, to put that time of my life to rest. It has finally worked. It is gone, I have laid ghosts to rest that I never did before.
This seems to have been the year for that. I don’t know if it is turning 35 this year, or seeing people from my past so much, but, I have let things go, emotionally I have worked through parts of me that I had squashed down. Or I don’t know if it due to having had cancer. I know that once I was past the initial fear, the surgery, the recovery, that I was facing, well there is no better word for it, demons of my past.
It seems as if my mind wanted to purge all the bad, to embrace the good, to heal not only my body from the cancer, but my emotions from the cancer of all the bad that still dwelled within me.
I’m better now, there is a clear future ahead, where Tony and I move on to the next part of our life, and letting go of the old stuff. We both have to let go of the horrible things that tested our relationship, that tried to tear us apart, but never succeeded. With that we are moving. Only a short distance from here but, into a small home of our own. It’ll be just the two of us, again.
It is time to move on to us, to be together as our own little family, just the two of us, and let go of the other things. Yes, even without children of our own, we are a family. For 14 years we have been a family, even before we were married, we were family. From the first time we went out, it was us, there was never any doubt.
Now, we are full circle back to us, not our families, or the kids in the families, not my cancer. Don’t get me wrong, we love our families, the kids, (not so much the cancer) but, it is time to be us, no matter what.