Monthly Archives: January 2011

one day

Tony and I went to the Riverboat last night for a comedy show. The feature, Brian Kerns, and headliner, Erin Jackson, were awesome. I laughed so much last night that I got the pain I get in the back of my head from laughing too much. The one a month local comedy show has become our big night out for the month, it is a fairly cheap night if I don’t drink, and since I tend to not drink there, it works for us.

No idea why I don’t drink here typically. Last month I did, as I needed to loosen up, it was only two days after Michael’s death and we were not going, I had even told Irwin we weren’t going(Irwin books the shows, hosts, the shows and is a friend of mine.) We had gone to the Lodge’s Christmas party but, I just couldn’t hold it together, there. I started crying three times before dinner was done, thought, we would try the show, got down there, had a couple of drinks and I laughed while we were there. I needed that and I thanked Irwin for it. And the comedians.

While I was laughing though I would get a horrid feeling of guilt that I was laughing while Michael was dead. I got that feeling a lot that night, and again some last night, but, not as horrendously bad. I know that I have to move on but, it is tough. It really is hard to deal with and not feel guilty. I am still dealing with the guilt of not going to see him that day, even though he asked me to. The guilt from not going because of the snow,and other things, eats me alive.

Even though so many people have told me that there was nothing I could have done. Logically, I know that. I know that it is very likely that in the time it would have taken me to get there, he would have already been gone. That I would have found him, or seen him do it. I don’t know if I would have come back from either of those. I don’t believe he would have harmed me as a few people have claimed, I just don’t think Michael had that in him.

But, again, the guilt over being happy and laughing. The guilt over being alive eats at me sometimes. I know it is survivor’s guilt. I know that, but, it doesn’t make it any easier. One day at a time, slogging on through this. One day at a time wondering through the what ifs. One day at a time trying to move forward from this. I can do this. one day. one day.

hopefully

I know I haven’t posted here. I have done a lot of personal writing but, very little publicly. Until tonight Mutteringfool.com has not even been opened since I last posted. I couldn’t see the last posts, my heart just wouldn’t let me reread the first posts following Michael’s death.

We are at just over a month now that he has been gone. As hard as it is to believe but January 16th marked one month without him. I don’t cry constantly now, although, the tears do come. As crazy as it may sound I talk to him. I do. Like I would if he were sitting beside me. Now, obviously, there is no way to know if he actually hears me, but, I hope he does. There is hope within me that he is in heaven, looking down upon me and listens to what I am telling him.

The last couple of years I have been dealing with a crisis of faith. It is hard to believe in the God you have always believed in when things get so rough, when you get cancer and spend a lot of two full years in and out of the hospital from repeated infections. It is hard to continue on in faith when you are sitting with a machine pumping the lymph fluid up your leg as your body no longer takes care of that due to the cancer surgery and the infection. It is difficult when I am dealing with the after effects of having cancer.

It is even worse when your friend is dead. My faith was shaken to the core with Michael’s death. The first night I was sure that there could be no God. That it was impossible that God would allow someone to have so much pain and heartache that they would take their own lives. For the first few days I was like this, refusing to believe in anything.

Slowly, as I have accepted things surrounding Michael’s death my faith has come back. Now, I truly believe that had he not been drinking he would still be here. I believe that for some reason he had to leave us. I believe that God is here, that I can take comfort in that. That a crisis of faith is normal with everything that has gone on in my life over the past couple years.

I am trying with all my might to get better. I am trying to make it through each day knowing that Michael is gone. Everyday I think about the what ifs, though. What if I had gone up there when Michael asked me to? What if it hadn’t snowed? What if he hadn’t drank? What if? what if?

None of this does any good. It happened. Michael is gone,whether or not I want to admit it, he is gone. And, I am not. I am working toward, not moving on, but, dealing with his death, with accepting the fact that he is no longer here.

I am trying. I am. So is everyone else who loved him, trying to pull ourselves up and make each day count. Dealing with each day as they come. People keep telling me it won’t always be this hard. That someday I will wake up and it will be easier. That day can’t get here soon enough.

For tonight that is all. Hopefully, soon I will be able to write about things other than Michael and the loss of him. Hopefully, soon, my faith will be back to what it was before the last two years. Hopefully, things will get better soon.