Yesterday evening, while talking to Tony I burst into tears. It’s back. I can feel it now and I realize it is on me, completely. It isn’t just a little sad due to the time of year or the lack of sun, nope, the depression is back.
Earlier this year I went off the Wellbutrin I have been on for most of the past six years. In fall of 2010 I had gone off of it, life seemed to be getting better, then, well, then Michael died. No, that isn’t correct, then Michael committed suicide. After years of not speaking, we had made up and were friends again. Then he was gone.
I plummeted back into what I call the hole. At first, I thought it was solely grief, as of course, losing a person you love, that was a very important part of your life, is hard. For a couple months, I let it be. It wasn’t until I realized I was crying over things like, dropping a glass of water, that it wasn’t just the grieving over the loss, but that the depression was back.
Then I went back on the Wellbutrin and I got better. I was still grieving, but able to grieve without the weight of my depression destroying my life.
Now, almost two years later, the depression has settled back on me, and thrown me back into the depths of its darkness. When, I can look around at anything and think, “I’m miserable, and I have no idea why” that is a clue. When I start getting overwhelmed by every little thing I know.
Which means it is time to call my doctor and get back on the meds. I know what happens when I am on it. I am more tired, the words go away, it is much harder to write on Wellbutrin for me, which is one of the reasons I went off of it this time.
The thought of having to take it again is a bit overwhelming, but so is being this miserable and sad, and wishing every day to end so I can just go to sleep. I could sleep 16 hours a day right now, and that is another sign that it is bad again. When I can literally be completely awake for 6 hours and that feels like too much, it is time.
So, I will go back on it again, trying to fix whatever it is in my brain chemistry that causes the depression. I’ll stay on the medication until I cannot take the side effects anymore, and then the cycle will start anew. Maybe, someday, I’ll be able to go off of it, entirely and stay the happy person that I am when my brain chemistry is correct.
Until then, the purple pills will be my lifesaver and the thing that keeps me sane. Someday though, someday…