I have so much to do before Christmas. The list of chores, baking, wrapping, etc, stretches longer than my arm, yet nothing is getting done. The sink is full of dishes right now, there is a pile of laundry as tall as my waist, empty boxes from all the Christmas shopping on the porch.
Here I sit though, in front of the computer with the Christmas tree lit beside me. There is just something comforting about the gentle glow of the lights. This year they are blue to go with the silver and gold ornaments. We do a fancy tree one year, with a color scheme and lights, cascading ribbons, down it, and a mishmash, old fashioned, multi-colored light one the next.
We do this a I adore the fancy color schemed, perfectly decorated trees so much, but they really aren’t what you’d expect in a home. Tony prefers the mishmash trees, so we do those for him. I am hoping some day that we will have a house big enough to have 2 full size trees.
One that we can line the outside of with hundreds of lights, so the glow can cheer other people as well. Christmas lights are the only part I really like, every year. The soft light helps make it easier to deal with the rest of it.
The shopping, the wrapping, the money spent, the worry that this person won’t like the gift you bought them, the baking, the family stuffed together. The fact that you get told, every year, that “Christmas is for children.”
Yeah? Fuck you. I get so tired of the entire world being child focused. I love kids, I do. I adore my nieces and nephews. I wanted to have a lot of children, yet here we are in our late 30s with none. That isn’t likely to change unless someone were to drop a child in my lap.
Don’t get me wrong, if we could adopt tomorrow, I would. Without a doubt I would adopt any child I could. It doesn’t work that way for me though.
I get tired of being told we aren’t really a family, because it is just the two of us. Tony and I are a family. I need to finish this, all I’m doing is whining tonight. I told you the depression was back, I’ll have to write tomorrow during the day when it isn’t weighing on me so much.