Month: January 2013

Stupid white stuff.

Our first snowfall of the year happened over night last night. 3-4 inches yesterday of really fluffy light snow covering every thing. There is more expected later today. I hate this crap. Really, I am one of those people who absolutely despises snow.

I wasn’t always this way, and in fact, snow is still beautiful to look at, from afar and if I can escape from the reason of why snowfall makes me so sad. Of course, there is no escaping Michael’s death.

That day was snowy, more so than today, closer to six or seven inches if I remember correctly. We texted back and forth all day. He was sad, but he had been depressed on and off his whole life. I was afraid to risk going out in it. Michael asked me to come over, and I didn’t.

Every time it snows for the rest of my life I will think of that day. Of how I didn’t go to my friend. Of how he felt so lost that he took his own life.

When it snows, I’ll always remember the horror settling on me, after his last message, knowing in my heart what he was about to do, and having no way to stop him. The way the message from Jenn telling me he was gone ripped a hole through me.

So, yeah, I hate snow, or more accurately I hate how it makes me feel, the memories it forces back. The weight of the loss of my friend.

Maybe someday, years from now, I’ll see snow for the beauty of it, and not feel the pain that lurks with every flake. Until that day, I’ll just go with hating it as if Michael’s death is the snow’s fault. It is easier that way.

Deadlines

I do not sleep Sunday nights anymore. In fact, I haven’t for about 14 months or so. You see in November of 2011 I started freelancing for the local weekly newspaper. Deadline is Monday morning at 10 AM. Of course, being a typical writer type person, well, that means I am working until Monday morning.

This week I was done hours early with the writing. Then, I pulled together pictures I took for the articles, got them all sent off and then, what? Well, there is enough caffeine coursing through my veins to keep anyone awake. There is now a load of laundry spinning itself out while another load finishing drying.

The spinning of the washing machine adds to the whine that is the tinnitus of my ears. Between the ringing, the whining, and the whirring of the fan on my space heater my poor eardrums are being assaulted.

It gets worse though, the traffic, which rolls by way too close to our front door is getting louder and louder and people fly toward work. Life on what is now the main thoroughfare out of Colonial Beach is a dangerous game. You never know how you are going to get out of your driveway, here.

Even when you do, you have to watch for the morons that think this road being next to the drag strip means they get to race down it. One of these days, I’m going to put a damn speed bump in the road myself, so either they slow down, or they scrape the bottom of their car off.

What is worse than the cars are the huge trucks that think they can do 65 on this road. Why they aren’t being pulled over left and right is beyond me. There is no doubt in my mind that if I drove like that, the cops would be pulling me over.

Why? Just my kind of luck, that’s why.

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I have “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” on the TV right now. It might be a goofy show, but amongst all the reality shows you see on TV, they sure seem to be the only family that really loves one another. Think about it, that family is always together and they seem happy to be that way.

When the teenage daughter got pregnant, they just sucked it up and helped her out. Her baby is just another loved member of the family. They are all together at all of “Honey Boo Boo’s” pageants and they are cheering their hearts out. While, the whole toddler and tiara thing grosses me out, Alanna herself is an awesome kid.

Hell, if I’m honest, the craziness reminds me a bit of my own family, albeit we aren’t so redneck.

Have a good Monday

Interesting

First, before I forget,there is now a Facebook page for Mutteringfool.com. After so many years, and notify lists no longer being a thing,it seemed like the right thing to do. So, like the page for me, please?

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The conversations I have had about gun control and the executive orders possible legislation have been very interesting to me. Overwhelmingly it seems that people of all political ilks feel that this isn’t really going to help stop things from happening.

In fact,at one point a strict conservative,T, a libertarian, B, and my liberal ass were all in agreement on some of the things that need to be done. If three people with that large of a difference in beliefs can discuss things in a calm manner, and work things out, why can’t our Congress?

Hell, Suzy for Congress. Lord knows I could do a better job than 99% of what we have in there.

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I spent a couple hours last night working on a piece about being a female cancer survivor of a cancer other than breast cancer. It started off strong, but after a while wandered off into some of my anger about the lack of funding for kidney cancer research.

There is nowhere near enough funding for it, as it was typically an “old man’s cancer.” That is what I was told when I was diagnosed. I was 33 and female. The complete opposite of the average kidney cancer survivor.

That is until you start looking around. My one survivor list, that is solely kidney cancer patients, most with the same type I have (renal cell carcinoma-clear type) many with similar stats: stage 1B Grade 2.

And a lot of young people, a lot of young women as a matter of fact. For an old man’s disease, there sure are plenty of us younger women on the list.

In fact, I am one of the middle aged women now, more than four years post diagnosis and nephrectomy and closing in on my 38th birthday.

See,I go right back into it,so I really need to rewrite the piece with less anger overall.

I am not so angry about the cancer now. There is no way to change things. Besides, even with all that I have to deal with from the cancer, the subsequent treatments, the side effects and the fact that I do not have “NED” status,I am still here.

More later. Have a great Friday.

Security Theater.

Once again we,the American people are being treated like morons.President Obama* introduced a myriad of things today he hopes to enact to stop gun violence. Now, I will say that we definitely need to figure out why our young men feel the need to shoot one another, school children, and captive theater audiences.

Obviously, something is wrong and causing this to happen. I do not think it is solely due to guns being out there. In China in 2012 there have been several incidents of massive violence, upon school children, without guns being involved. Something in the US and China is causing this to happen.

Do our young men feel that disenfranchised that they feel the need to reach out and hurt people? Is there not enough mental health care for them? Hell,is it possible that violent video games and movies really are affecting our youth?**

There are some things in the President’s plan that will help in this. Better mental health care, more school research officers, research being funded again. Those are good things. So, is the plan that all gun sales (legal ones that is, but, that is another story) require a background check.

All of those are good things. All of them I completely agree with and as a liberal, who is also a gun owner, I can back them.

Reintroducing the “assault” weapon ban, which includes many things that are cosmetic, and making it so full capacity magazines are illegal is just theater. The original AWB was law when Columbine happened. It did not stop it.

Making the AWB law again will not do anything other than placate the American people. It is not going to stop the violence from acting. Think back to the Virginia Tech massacre. The criminal shot everyone with handguns. Not “assault” weapons, standard small handguns.

There is nothing in the President’s plan to stop that from happening.

Let’s face it, in the USA we have approximately 300 million firearms right now. No matter what laws we pass, those guns are out there.

It has already been stated that the new AWB would allow the guns out there to be grandfathered in. So, they will still remain legal, out there, and part of the landscape.

Again, they are trying to placate us.

What we need is to get to the bottom of why these massacres are happening. We need to help our young men (as it is young men doing this.) We need to get them the mental health care they need. We need to make sure all our young people are happy and healthy, and taken care of in this manner.

We need the families of young men to make sure they are taken care of. If they seen their child going down a bad path, get them help. As a society we need to put the money into this. Yes, money. It is going to cost money to get our young people taken care of.

We need to have better access controls on our schools. No one should be able to just walk into the school. We need security in them. We need officers into the schools, not necessarily 24/7, but as much as possible, so someone who picks up a gun will think twice about going in and shooting our children.

We need to work together on this. Liberal and conservative. Gun owners and those who hate them. We have to band together. If we don’t, we’ll be having this discussion again and again. We must figure out a way to keep our constitution intact, but stop our children from dying.

We need to not let the death of those 20 children, and seven adults in Newtown, CT be in vain. Let’s work together to stop this from happening. Let us not scream at one another and refuse to bend.

As a gun owner I want this. I also want the NRA the hell out of it. They do not speak for me, nor do they speak for the majority of gun owners in the USA.

*who I voted for twice and I like, a lot
**I don’t think this is it, but it needed to be included.

I’m struggling.

It is almost 6 AM on Sunday morning and I haven’t slept at all. Tony’s 39th (really, his 39th) birthday was Friday and the weekend has been a whirlwind of cooking and baking and friends, on top of a broken down car. I overdid things the last couple days, but when Tony was so happy with his dinner on Friday, our friends over on Saturday and the two cakes I made, it was worth it.

Friday night was the traditional birthday boy’s favorite meal. Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, cream gravy, asparagus and broccoli. He’s a Texan, of course he wants chicken fried steak. I am actually pretty damn good at making it after the 16 years we have been together, but it still makes a mess.

Nowhere near as big of a mess as it used to make. Believe me the first few years that I made it for him you would have thought a flour bomb went off in my kitchen. Now, there was just a bit of flour on the floor, and of course the grease splattered on the stove as I forgot to use my splatter screen.

My talents are without end though, as I also baked the cake, and made the frosting from scratch, while making the rest of dinner. It used to be I would do it all separately, but doing it all at once saves me from freezing my poor feet off in our kitchen.

On Saturday night we had two couples (and two kids of one couple) over for chili dogs and Frito pie. Again, can you tell he’s a Texan? Then we had the raspberry scented cake I made with chocolate frosting. My wonderful friend, Jo-Anne got tired of waiting for me to do the cake thing, so she switched his “3” and “9” candles around to make it 93, all the while giggling her butt off.

I made the cake in a Bundt pan and the eight of us devoured must of it. There are 3 small slices left and one of them has my name on it.

Now, why I’m struggling? My stupid leg has decided there shall be no comfortable position to sleep in, nor shall I be able to even nap sitting up. Not tonight, thou must pay attention to me. I have Volaten gel’d it, taken my pain meds, lotioned it, and talked to the damn leg to no avail.

You’d think it would get tired of me talking bad about it and behave so I could whine about something else, but no.

On top of the leg, the car stalled out the other night, we got in here, and today Tony’s best friend is supposed to come down and help Tony work on it. Thank goodness it is supposed to be warm today so they won’t freeze. We’re also on a hunt for a second vehicle as we’re just tired of having one vehicle. Hopefully, soon.

Anyone around here have a used car for cheap? Like seriously cheap. Sigh. I’ll keep looking.