Archive for June, 2019

This year

Friday, June 14th, 2019

Big long introspective post ahead, fair warning.

I have dubbed this year my “year of doing shit that scares me.” Starting last summer (well, really the year before, but more intensely last summer) I started putting myself out there.

In my relationships, my friendships, my whole damn life. I quit doing so many things I loved when I was younger when I met Tony.

Not blaming him, it’s my own neuroses. I didn’t write much for a time. I quit singing, I quit acting, I quit friendships, I quit so many things.

And, I became afraid of them. I grew a fear of being on stage, being in front of people, showing my art, whether it be my writing, my photography, or the painting (I am not back to that, yet, it’s coming.)

I grew afraid of making connections with people and kept all my relationships on a superficial level.

So much of who I really am I subsumed to who I thought I had to be.

Then a couple things happened and I realized I was supremely unhappy with who I had become, what I was doing, or not doing, and things had to change.

I’m working on these things that scare me. Last September I walked (rolled, smartasses who are reading this, #gimplife) into choir rehearsal having no idea if it would be a good place for me. I quickly learned that it truly was a home for me.

These women and men accepted me and became my choir family. In January of this year when I had a meltdown getting to Thursday rehearsal night is what kept me going each week.

I cried every week at rehearsal for two months. The music choices were cathartic and beautiful and needed.

I finally made it all the way through one song, for the first time with no issues, at our second show. That is how much this song affected me.

Earlier this week I was cast in Charlotte’s Web with the Colonial Beach Playhouse. (Thank you, Sher Lee.) Again, something I was afraid of doing.

But, I did it. I carried my ass in there and tried. It has been a long time since I did this, but I can learn to act again. (If anyone wants to see my favorite show I did, I have Youtube links to where I did Grease in high school.)

I formalized the photography business(I am booking sessions now and I am cheap, come get your pictures taken.)

In the fall I am flying for the first time as an adult. I am terrified of it, but I am doing it.

This morning someone who I admire so much paid me the compliment that I seem so much happier than when I started with the choir.

I am.

Oh, boy, am I so much happier than last year. Or earlier this year.

I know that won’t always be, I deal with depression and anxiety but the situational things are getting better.

I am working on me. I will continue to work on me.

I will do things that make me happy. No more not doing things because they might be scary or hard. Life’s short. I’m not getting any younger.

Let’s do this.