A cry

Yesterday was horrendous. I knew that the day of Michael’s funeral would be one of the worst days of my life, and it was. The 16th trumped it, because that is the day we lost him, but, I can think of no other death that has been worse. When I lost the three grandparents I have lost I was much younger. 5, 6 and 12, my second Mom I was in my 20s but somehow that wasn’t quite as hard.

My heart shattered yesterday as I pulled up to the funeral home. I was there very early, as I couldn’t sit home alone any longer. I sat in the car waiting for anyone to get there, as I did not want to go into the chapel, where his ashes were, by myself.

Just writing that “his ashes” is horrendous. The only ashes I should be complaining about is if he were smoking a cigarette, not him being in an urn. How is this possible? How is he in a jar? Why is he not texting me whining about being tired? Or picking on me for procrastinating on going into town to finish the last few things I need to do?

Back to yesterday, there were pictures up of him, including a digital frame that scrolled over and over through some of the best shots of him from recent years, a couple from when he was a kid, including one with his sisters and Mom.

The service was ok, I am not a fan of preachers doing a sermon at funerals as I believe it should be more about the person you lost, but, the parts that were directly about Michael were beautiful. All his nieces and nephews got up, and his one nephew, Brett, sang a song he had written for his Uncle. It was beautiful and Brett has an amazing voice, if he doesn’t break into music I will be shocked.

The whole service, I cried. I’m a crier. When I am sad it just pours out, and it poured out all over the chapel, the car, Kelly’s house, and the car again on the way home. Then, when I was eating dinner last night with Tre and Tony it started again. Tre knew I had lost my best friend, but, wanted to know how he died. I couldn’t lie to the child, I explained to him what happened. I explained how Michael was depressed, and lonely, and missing his Mom, and how he thought he would be happier not being here anymore.

I explained how he was wrong, that he shouldn’t have left us, that nothing is worth dying that way over. I told him how very sad all of Michael’s family and friends are. I feel like I did the right thing, but, it is hard to discuss death with a seven year old.

The worst minute yesterday was when I walked out of Kelly and Dawn’s. I feel like that last link to Michael was being left behind. That last little bit hurt to the depths of my soul. I am sad. I will miss him forever and can not imagine how to spend the rest of my life without him here. Today is day one, as the week between his death and his funeral are just a blur of pain. Today, I learn to be without him on the planet.

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