I was…

I was heading to bed. Really, I was lying down, but the pain in my shoulder is just too much. I have been having pain in my shoulder blade for a couple weeks. Bad pain, that is not treated by my normal pain medications.

Of course, the first thing my brain goes to is thinking it is a cancer met. I hate this. Having cancer changed me entirely too much. It is ridiculous. At times I think I have PTSD from it. Every time I have pain that lasts longer than it should, I automatically go to it being the cancer back.

Fucking renal cell carcinoma is a horrid disease. It can sit and wait and attack years later. I am not tired of worrying about it. I am tired of cancer being in my thoughts all the time. I am tired of being in pain from the after effects of treatment.

I’m just tired and I needed to spill this out, really quickly, a two minute entry and hopefully now I can lie down without crying in fear.