Stupid white stuff.

Our first snowfall of the year happened over night last night. 3-4 inches yesterday of really fluffy light snow covering every thing. There is more expected later today. I hate this crap. Really, I am one of those people who absolutely despises snow.

I wasn’t always this way, and in fact, snow is still beautiful to look at, from afar and if I can escape from the reason of why snowfall makes me so sad. Of course, there is no escaping Michael’s death.

That day was snowy, more so than today, closer to six or seven inches if I remember correctly. We texted back and forth all day. He was sad, but he had been depressed on and off his whole life. I was afraid to risk going out in it. Michael asked me to come over, and I didn’t.

Every time it snows for the rest of my life I will think of that day. Of how I didn’t go to my friend. Of how he felt so lost that he took his own life.

When it snows, I’ll always remember the horror settling on me, after his last message, knowing in my heart what he was about to do, and having no way to stop him. The way the message from Jenn telling me he was gone ripped a hole through me.

So, yeah, I hate snow, or more accurately I hate how it makes me feel, the memories it forces back. The weight of the loss of my friend.

Maybe someday, years from now, I’ll see snow for the beauty of it, and not feel the pain that lurks with every flake. Until that day, I’ll just go with hating it as if Michael’s death is the snow’s fault. It is easier that way.