Tonight just before Tony left for work I had a huge breakdown.
We had been talking about the time surrounding my surgeries last fall when I was extremely sick from infection and the multiple procedures. I was so ill that it affected my mind in some horrible ways.
I had several hallucinations during the time. Some good, some bad, a couple horrendously scarring.
There is no doubt I am going to need some serious therapy after all of this for PTSD.
As we were talking about how sick I was and how, hopefully, post this surgery I’ll be in better shape (and not on a vent or having a tracheotomy.)
I had a flashback to one hallucination that is so real to my mind that I burst into tears.
You see I hallucinated that we were involved in a massive shooter situation and Tony was going to die in it.
Just writing that out is hard, but the imagery in my brain is so real even as I know it didn’t happen and he is fine.
The night it happened, I held onto his hand so hard and begged him,as best I could being trached, to stay, but the ICU nurse forced him to make me let go of his hand so he could leave me.
And, just writing that I’m crying again and cannot even see what I am typing.
I’m praying that we can get the doctors to order that he can stay. We have an order in place now that he can be here overnight.
I also hope I have a nurse that doesn’t tear my husband from my hands when my brain is telling me he is going to die.
This past 10 month has been so traumatic in so many ways.
I just hope, and pray, the next 10 will be better.
The surgery countdown is moving so fast. September 8th is the day. Let’s get beyond the surgery, healthy and healing and with no complications.
Other than the trauma already in place. I’ll fight through that. Dammit, I just want to be better and home.
I miss my house, my town, my job, and my family so damn much.
17 days from now. It’s too far and too soon all at once.