Just Tired.

I hurt my thumb on my left hand stupidly back on December 29th. My blanket was tucked under Tony, I went to yank it out, and boom a pop and pain. I saw one Doctor on the 30th, another on the next available date. Sprained, torn up shit, blah, blah, blah.

I went to the hand doctor, or well, his PA, today, and I have to go for an MRI of my hand next week, as it looks like I may have completely torn in half a tendon. If that is the case, they will have to operate on the hand.

Needless to say, that is not what I want, I am tired of being cut on, or having doctors poke at me. My body needs a break from illness or injury. I still have other surgeries that are planned: gastric bypass (yeah, cat’s out of the bag, this is planned for once I quite freaking out, carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, haglund’s repair and achilles reattachment on left foot, hernia repair of the incision line from my nephrectomy.

Fun stuff, isn’t it? Right now, I know I am facing all of this but, I am freaking out and refusing to move forward on any of it. I am tired of being cut, I don’t want anymore damn scars on my body. It’s bad enough that my entire abdomen from breastbone down INTO my belly button is one huge scar. It still hurts plus, that is where the hernias are underneath and I am just frustrated with it.

Right now I just can’t allow myself past the worry, the pure terror at another person slicing me open again. I know I need these surgeries. Intellectually, I absolutely realize I need all of this done. But, emotionally I am just not ready for it.

Yes, it makes no sense that I am putting this off. The longer I put this off, the more pain from things that can be fixed I have to deal with. Yet, I can not make myself make the calls to set up things with the fat ass doctor (yes, that is what I call the dr, and the surgery, fat ass, as that is what it is.) Nor can I make myself get things rolling with the other surgeries.

Part of it is I have another CT scan due to the kidney cancer coming up. I go on the 29th for them to radiate my insides and check to make sure the cancer hasn’t come back, or metastasized anywhere else. Having that hanging over my head every few months for the past 15 months has really gotten to me. While all the scans have come back good, just the one spot on the adrenal gland, that luckily has not changed, every time one comes up the fear comes back.

I know the fear is normal as on my RCC (renal cell carcinoma) support list there is even a name for it: scanxiety. A very silly word for a very serious thing. I am on Xanax when I am dealing with this as I get severe panic attacks and worry to the point of making myself physically ill. Sadly enough I think it is time to up the dosage as the one I’m on is no longer working. Sigh, like the meds I’m on aren’t enough?


Several hours later I am feeling a bit better although still nervous. When I get my time of my scan (I know it is on the 29th, as my hand MRI is on the 28th) I will post it here. Any spare prayers or good thoughts for another good scan would be greatly appreciated.

1 thought on “Just Tired.

  1. Holy crap, Suzy. Really, that is just a lot of stress and I don't even know how you can deal with it at all. I had no idea you were going to get gastric bypass surgery also. I guess if I were you, I'd prioritize all the surgeries and see what needs to be done sooner and what can wait a little longer. Still…I can't imagine. I'm so sorry. xoxo

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