Trying

Today was a good day, overall. I had a wound are appointment*, hit Target and Joann’s fabric**, then home.

When, I first hit the door the bitter cold smacked me in my face. It is only November, in Virginia, this much cold is not normal. Hell, I haven’t found my winter jacket, yet. I know it is in the house, I just haven’t figured out where in the house.

Off my gimpy ass toddled, wrapped in a sweater and shivering. Also, whining, a lot.

Eventually, I made myself stop, take a moment and remember that things aren’t that bad. Yes, I was cold, however, I had a house to come home to. A heater to warm my feet, a blanket to cover my lap. I had food to make dinner for my husband and me.

I have a car, which although it has 300,000 miles on it, runs enough to get me around locally. I have both legs still, even after it was threatened by a doctor last year.

My remaining kidney is in good condition. While, I have nodules in my lung, other than that the cancer seems to be under control.

My other health issues are mostly under containment. The only other big issue, that isn’t responding to treatment, seems to by my thyroid issue. My thyroid decided to take a dump a few years ago.

I gained (more) weight, I lost a lot of hair, I was exhausted 24/7, my skin was as dry as tissue paper. I went on Synthroid, got better for a few years and now, well, the symptoms are all back. Yesterday, my hair’s thinness became apparent to me when I saw a picture of me.

It is scary to see how poorly it looks, again. This means it is time to cut it all off again and go back to the doctor to get my meds adjusted.

However, as I said, overall, today my brain came back together, the pity party went away, and marched on.

I’m counting that as a win. Regardless of everything else.

A day where my attitude falls back into line is a good one.

Have a great Wednesday,
Suzy Smith

*I have wounds from my lyphedema, that cannot heal on their own. I almost had them healed until we changed the protocol. Now, we’re trying the old one, again.

**With winter coming, and a not very well insulated home, I bought fleece to make curtains for the living room. They will be boring and ugly, but anything to help keep the heat in, and cold out.

Month of Gratitude

November has become the month of gratitude on Facebook. I, as am I wont to do, was running behind and just began posting what I am thankful for a couple of days ago.

So often in life the minuatiue of every day gets us down and makes us forget what we should be thinking about all the time. Heck, this morning, when I awoke way too early for a Saturday, threw off the blankets to a cold room, and a hurting leg, made gratitude the last thing on my mind.

I drug myself out of bed, got dressed in layers, drug my bad leg to the minivan, and got in. The car started, the sun was shining, I made it through McDonald’s drive-through (for hot chocolate) in no time.

My destination was Charlie and Tre’s football games. I was there, early, and the wonderful guys let me in the front, as I cannot make that walk from the far lot.

Yes, it was cold and windy. However, it was sunny and bright, my Tre and Charlie attacked me with hugs, I got to talk to my little brother and my Daddy. What more could you ask for?

This morning started with whining, but within a short time I was happy and enjoying the games. (and they won, Charlie won 30-0 and Tre won 52-0. I got hugs and off they went.

There is so much to be grateful in this one morning, yet, many days I cannot bring myself to be. I know that a large part of it is my situation. I am fighting depression as I have most of my life. There are days when I cannot bring myself to do anything.

Then there is dealing with the cancer side effects, particularly the lymphedema and the wounds from that. It is hard. On top of that I have fibromylagia, compression neuropathy, and all sorts of pain causing stuff.

I have to think about how good my life really is to get myself out of whine mode. Today, I have done a good job with it. Right now, I am waiting for the time when my friends will get here for us to have a fire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows.

This is just one day. There is so much to be grateful for, I just need to focus on that and not so much on the bad things.

My goal now is to start posting what I am grateful for when I am having a particularly bad day. Also, Holidailies is coming, which means many more posts from me.

Happy Saturday.
Suzy Smith

Depression

For most of my life I have been dealing with depression. Real clinical depression, the kind that you can’t wish away, but at times can medicate it well enough to make my life livable.

This summer was a lesson in how not to deal with depression. Back, in probably May, I sunk into one of the worst holes of my life. Most of the summer was spent on the couch.

Literally, for days on end, I did nothing more than the bare minimum. And some days, not even that.

It didn’t help that I was dealing with more cancer related crap this summer, that adds to it. However, I let it go to long.

Now, I’m able to get off the couch again, but I can feel myself starting to sink back a bit.

It is time to go back on the medication. I have a call into my doctor. Time to get better, again.

Why are there some people who absolutely positively have to be “right” all the time? There is no shame in admitting you don’t know everything.

There is shame in arguing with someone over something they have more than a dozen years experience with and you have no experience in. Just because what you think was right at one point, doesn’t mean it is now.

In fact it hasn’t been for some time. Now, by stating this is how it is, you are doing more harm than good to things you are trying to improve.

Take a moment, step back, and realize that others can know things better than you do. Also, women aren’t all morons, no matter what you seem to think. I have seen you argue with your colleagues over issues you don’t understand, either.

Stop. Take a look at yourself. Learn. And, for God’s sake realize you aren’t the smartest person on the block.

Tamerlan Tsarnaev Buried in Caroline County

I have been asked if I have a problem with Tamerlan Tsarnaev being buried just a few miles from here.

First, no, I don’t. He’s dead, he can harm no longer. Second, someone had to be human enough to give his body somewhere to go. It is buried, now it will turn back to dirt, just as we all do when we die.

Honestly, I am more worried about my husband having to drive through Caroline County to get home tonight, with so many up in arms about this. And, I worry for the families living near the cemetery and those who have family buried there.

Someone is very likely going to end up desecrating graves of others in their anger.

So, if you are angry about this, do something positive. Donate to the people affected by the bombing. There are people who have massive need of money to cover their medical bills. Or the bills to cover the funeral of the three who died.

If you are a religious person, pray for those people, and their families. Pray for the family of the two bombers as well. They are hurting, too, can you imagine being confronted with your two sons doing something so horrible? Work with your church, temple, synagogue, etc, to do something for the bombing victims.

Use this to do good. Getting angry does nothing. He is buried, it is done. It is always better to do good and right in the world. It is always better to try to be a good person. Make this helpful to someone around you.