At the library….

Author: Suzy Smith  |  Category: Uncategorized

How sad is it that I have no access at home and you get a post 2 days in a row? I’m such a slack ass. Actually, I’m spending the last few minutes I have online before closing to post here, as it will probably be next week before I’m near the internet again.

I’m working on a redesign at home to fill time as I’m used to having journals and blogs to read in the evenings while the rest of the family watches tv. It’s will probably never see the light of day as I normally on redesign this on the anniversary of this journal. I do have a new design for fatbottomedgirls.net that is going well, a few tweaks here and there and once I’m online at home again it will go live. Don’t look for it anytime soon.

I’ve just written and erased a dozen paragraphs as I don’t know what to even say with all of this going on here. I’m alive, the notify gets the good stuff.

Thanks for reading.

Suzy

Offline

Author: Suzy Smith  |  Category: Uncategorized

I’m offline for the next few weeks. I’m posting from the library to let you all know. If you need to get in touch with me email me at suzysmith AT gmaildotcom. I’ll be posting updates to my notify list if you are interested in what is going on. In fact, I will be updating them in just a few minutes.

I will also be updating here at least once a week as I can get to the library to post. Thanks for hanging on until my life gets straight.

Suzy

Overcome…

Author: Suzy Smith  |  Category: Uncategorized

This morning when I finally drifted off to sleep after a night that topped off a couple months of severe depression with a defeat of the Democratic party in all corners, I pulled the blanket up over my head and vowed to sleep for days, if not the next four years. But, that is enough about the election for today, I’ll do a postmortem another day.

I thought today would continue with the depression over the state of my country and the world, along with my own personal selfpity issues due to my stupid leg and back.

Little did I know how much my entire world was to turn around by late afternoon/early evening. I spent the day as I tend to when I don’t have one of the kids, in the back of the house with my fan on. On a normal day, I can’t hear squat that goes on in the house when I’m back here. Right now, I have ear infections (from water in my ears, which is another thing I’ll explain later) I can’t hear a damn thing.

So, I was clueless until Tony got home from school. He walked me to the front porch and showed me a giant box. One marked fragile, this end up, that had the words “Freedom Mobility” in bold letters across one side.

Okay, now I know what Freedom Mobility is, but, had no clue of why there was a box on the porch. I figured that it was a box someone from the family had picked up to use for storage or for a move as family members moving about has been happening a lot lately.

Then, he opened the box. And in it said an electric scooter. A candle apple red, electric scooter. Now, I know we didn’t have the money for something like that and wouldn’t for years.

Tony began pulling the parts out of the box, explaining to me that my secret pal for October from ThreeWayAction and various members of the board had gotten together and made this happen. I’m in shock by now. There is no way this is happening, this has to be a dream.

He pulled out the instructions, started showing me the features and I burst into tears. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I blubbered all over myself. I mean big time.

The thoughts that began racing through my head. I can expand my job search. (yes, a serious job search, anyone in VA hiring? I’m multiskilled) I can go places, independently. I can friggin’ go to the mall and just look around. I can ‘walk’ down the boardwalk.

I can keep up with my niece and nephews outside. I can work! (a little excited about that, can you tell?)

I’m getting a huge part of my life back, all through the kindness of a group of people who I know mainly through the internet.

(Okay, I’m blubbering again, and I really need to lie down, I’ll will finish this later, I promise.)

Hours later, after Tony has gotten off the computer, as he had school work to do:

Many people tell us we are fooling ourselves by calling those we meet online, friends. They are wrong. I have a board full of friends and one particular one who thought of this (who Tony won’t reveal, as he wants her to do it), and organized it all, in the members of ThreeWayAction.

I’m without the words to express how incredibly grateful I am to my friends of that community. If you were all here I would give you giant hugs. You all truly saved my life with this. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you all, or the world at large for this kindness.

I’m overwhelmed, I’m overjoyed. I’m so happy I could burst. I have mobility, again. I will have a life again outside these four walls. I will be able to go back to fulltime employment without worry of furthering my disability.

Thank you all for this, again and again, a million thank yous. I love you all from the bottom of my now mobile heart.

Suzy

PS. Pictures will be coming. I wouldn’t let Tony take pictures of me blubbering all over myself of in my uniform of white wifebeater and black house shorts. Thank you so very much.

Author: Suzy Smith  |  Category: Uncategorized

NewsFlash:

I’m not going anywhere for now. Due to the generosity of someone who wishes to remain anonymous, my site hosting is paid up through December. Let me tell you, that right there is a wonderful thing. This journal of mine has been a lifesaver over the past 4.5 years and the thought of losing it was killing me. So, thank you, again, my friend, you rule.

And, I have to thank everyone else who commented or emailed me or called me. The words of encouragement, the offers of ideas, etc, really made me realize how lucky I am to have people I can call my friends all over the world.

I thank you all, and I promise, I will be getting back to you in email.

____________________________________________________________________

Other than that, things are about the same. Mentally, I’m still in a bad place. I know it and so does everyone around me. The whole “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” thing just isn’t working this time. All I want to do is pull a blanket over my head and stay there for awhile.

I can’t, because it seems the whole family would collapse if I did. Or at least the majority of them. Everyone is going out of town this weekend, except for Tony and I so it will at least be quiet around here. A little bit of quiet sounds quite nice, right now. No kids pulling at me or climbing on me. It will be nice not to feel touched out for a couple of days.

____________________________________________________________________

The job search is not going well. I’ve got resumes all over the state of Virginia, I’ve applied for every job that I might possibly have a chance of being able to do, which honestly isn’t that many. The whole gimpy leg thing is really getting me down, right now. I want to be able to work so we’ll have money coming in but, the limitations I’m under are just pressing down on me.

Hell, I even thought about reapplying to the last major company I worked with, until I realized that it’s about half a mile from the closest parking spaces to where I would work in the building. That just isn’t doable without some sort of motorized chair or scooter. No matter how many times I dream of having my old body back, my bad leg and hip aren’t going to heal in some miraculous manner. I’m stuck with the body I have, I just have to figure out a way around this.

This weekend will be a weekend of rest for me, as my feet look like swollen baked potatoes. If you press on my foot, the dent stays for quite some time. It’s a side effect of the gimpiness and overdoing things this week with having two kids here instead of just one.

And, that is what I’ve been up to. To recap, I’ll be here through December (hooray for wonderful people), I’m still trying to find work, I’m still gimpy, and I’m still dreaming of winning the lottery.

I’ll write more soon, thanks for sticking around through all of this.

Author: Suzy Smith  |  Category: Uncategorized

I have four draft posts sitting here, that will never see the light of day. Through the past 3 weeks, I have been trying to figure out a way to write without being a complete bummer.

Yeah, it’s not going to work.

I finally sat down with Tony the other night and told him what’s been going on in my head. Life has just become so overwhelming to me that I’ve descended back into the pit. This has only happened a couple of times in my life and never to this point.

My brain couldn’t wrap around what had caused this plummet into the dark place. I coldn’t articulate all of this to Tony. In fact, all I could do was cry. Then, today while Tre was asleep, my mind woke up and started kicking my ass all over the room.

It’s everything. Our finances (or lack thereof), my health, my family, things that are going on around town.

Mainly, it’s money though. I freak out every time I think of how little is left before we literally have nothing. Everything right now is flowing out, nothing is coming in. Neither of us has found work, yet.

Yes, I’m looking for work. I’m extremely limited in choices due to being disabled, having a car that I’m afraid to drive too far, and having been out of the workforce for 5.5 years. I have resumes everywhere and not a single nibble.

Which comes to the next part. I have my webspace for 15 more days. After that, well, I can’t justify paying 1o dollars a month for this space while we’re under such tight financial restraints. I’m looking for other ways to keep this site up but, even a 5 dollar plan is more than I should be spending on this.

I’m keeping my internet connection as long as I can as it helps with the job hunt and with Tony’s school. I’ll be writing here over the next 2 weeks and after that, well, who knows.

Four and a half years of journalling, 4 years here at mutteringfool.com it has been one of the best parts of my life and I don’t want to give it up but, I don’t see anyway around it.

As I said, I’ll still be here for the next 15 days, after that I’ll update to the notify list until the day comes that I can bring back mutteringfool.com and fatbottomedgirls.net.

I have to stop now, I’m not helping myself leave the pit, this is just making it worse. And I can’t even see the screen anymore.