Offline

November 10th, 2004

I’m offline for the next few weeks. I’m posting from the library to let you all know. If you need to get in touch with me email me at suzysmith AT gmaildotcom. I’ll be posting updates to my notify list if you are interested in what is going on. In fact, I will be updating them in just a few minutes.

I will also be updating here at least once a week as I can get to the library to post. Thanks for hanging on until my life gets straight.

Suzy

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Overcome…

November 3rd, 2004

This morning when I finally drifted off to sleep after a night that topped off a couple months of severe depression with a defeat of the Democratic party in all corners, I pulled the blanket up over my head and vowed to sleep for days, if not the next four years. But, that is enough about the election for today, I’ll do a postmortem another day.

I thought today would continue with the depression over the state of my country and the world, along with my own personal selfpity issues due to my stupid leg and back.

Little did I know how much my entire world was to turn around by late afternoon/early evening. I spent the day as I tend to when I don’t have one of the kids, in the back of the house with my fan on. On a normal day, I can’t hear squat that goes on in the house when I’m back here. Right now, I have ear infections (from water in my ears, which is another thing I’ll explain later) I can’t hear a damn thing.

So, I was clueless until Tony got home from school. He walked me to the front porch and showed me a giant box. One marked fragile, this end up, that had the words “Freedom Mobility” in bold letters across one side.

Okay, now I know what Freedom Mobility is, but, had no clue of why there was a box on the porch. I figured that it was a box someone from the family had picked up to use for storage or for a move as family members moving about has been happening a lot lately.

Then, he opened the box. And in it said an electric scooter. A candle apple red, electric scooter. Now, I know we didn’t have the money for something like that and wouldn’t for years.

Tony began pulling the parts out of the box, explaining to me that my secret pal for October from ThreeWayAction and various members of the board had gotten together and made this happen. I’m in shock by now. There is no way this is happening, this has to be a dream.

He pulled out the instructions, started showing me the features and I burst into tears. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I blubbered all over myself. I mean big time.

The thoughts that began racing through my head. I can expand my job search. (yes, a serious job search, anyone in VA hiring? I’m multiskilled) I can go places, independently. I can friggin’ go to the mall and just look around. I can ‘walk’ down the boardwalk.

I can keep up with my niece and nephews outside. I can work! (a little excited about that, can you tell?)

I’m getting a huge part of my life back, all through the kindness of a group of people who I know mainly through the internet.

(Okay, I’m blubbering again, and I really need to lie down, I’ll will finish this later, I promise.)

Hours later, after Tony has gotten off the computer, as he had school work to do:

Many people tell us we are fooling ourselves by calling those we meet online, friends. They are wrong. I have a board full of friends and one particular one who thought of this (who Tony won’t reveal, as he wants her to do it), and organized it all, in the members of ThreeWayAction.

I’m without the words to express how incredibly grateful I am to my friends of that community. If you were all here I would give you giant hugs. You all truly saved my life with this. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you all, or the world at large for this kindness.

I’m overwhelmed, I’m overjoyed. I’m so happy I could burst. I have mobility, again. I will have a life again outside these four walls. I will be able to go back to fulltime employment without worry of furthering my disability.

Thank you all for this, again and again, a million thank yous. I love you all from the bottom of my now mobile heart.

Suzy

PS. Pictures will be coming. I wouldn’t let Tony take pictures of me blubbering all over myself of in my uniform of white wifebeater and black house shorts. Thank you so very much.

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October 15th, 2004

NewsFlash:

I’m not going anywhere for now. Due to the generosity of someone who wishes to remain anonymous, my site hosting is paid up through December. Let me tell you, that right there is a wonderful thing. This journal of mine has been a lifesaver over the past 4.5 years and the thought of losing it was killing me. So, thank you, again, my friend, you rule.

And, I have to thank everyone else who commented or emailed me or called me. The words of encouragement, the offers of ideas, etc, really made me realize how lucky I am to have people I can call my friends all over the world.

I thank you all, and I promise, I will be getting back to you in email.

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Other than that, things are about the same. Mentally, I’m still in a bad place. I know it and so does everyone around me. The whole “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” thing just isn’t working this time. All I want to do is pull a blanket over my head and stay there for awhile.

I can’t, because it seems the whole family would collapse if I did. Or at least the majority of them. Everyone is going out of town this weekend, except for Tony and I so it will at least be quiet around here. A little bit of quiet sounds quite nice, right now. No kids pulling at me or climbing on me. It will be nice not to feel touched out for a couple of days.

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The job search is not going well. I’ve got resumes all over the state of Virginia, I’ve applied for every job that I might possibly have a chance of being able to do, which honestly isn’t that many. The whole gimpy leg thing is really getting me down, right now. I want to be able to work so we’ll have money coming in but, the limitations I’m under are just pressing down on me.

Hell, I even thought about reapplying to the last major company I worked with, until I realized that it’s about half a mile from the closest parking spaces to where I would work in the building. That just isn’t doable without some sort of motorized chair or scooter. No matter how many times I dream of having my old body back, my bad leg and hip aren’t going to heal in some miraculous manner. I’m stuck with the body I have, I just have to figure out a way around this.

This weekend will be a weekend of rest for me, as my feet look like swollen baked potatoes. If you press on my foot, the dent stays for quite some time. It’s a side effect of the gimpiness and overdoing things this week with having two kids here instead of just one.

And, that is what I’ve been up to. To recap, I’ll be here through December (hooray for wonderful people), I’m still trying to find work, I’m still gimpy, and I’m still dreaming of winning the lottery.

I’ll write more soon, thanks for sticking around through all of this.

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October 6th, 2004

I have four draft posts sitting here, that will never see the light of day. Through the past 3 weeks, I have been trying to figure out a way to write without being a complete bummer.

Yeah, it’s not going to work.

I finally sat down with Tony the other night and told him what’s been going on in my head. Life has just become so overwhelming to me that I’ve descended back into the pit. This has only happened a couple of times in my life and never to this point.

My brain couldn’t wrap around what had caused this plummet into the dark place. I coldn’t articulate all of this to Tony. In fact, all I could do was cry. Then, today while Tre was asleep, my mind woke up and started kicking my ass all over the room.

It’s everything. Our finances (or lack thereof), my health, my family, things that are going on around town.

Mainly, it’s money though. I freak out every time I think of how little is left before we literally have nothing. Everything right now is flowing out, nothing is coming in. Neither of us has found work, yet.

Yes, I’m looking for work. I’m extremely limited in choices due to being disabled, having a car that I’m afraid to drive too far, and having been out of the workforce for 5.5 years. I have resumes everywhere and not a single nibble.

Which comes to the next part. I have my webspace for 15 more days. After that, well, I can’t justify paying 1o dollars a month for this space while we’re under such tight financial restraints. I’m looking for other ways to keep this site up but, even a 5 dollar plan is more than I should be spending on this.

I’m keeping my internet connection as long as I can as it helps with the job hunt and with Tony’s school. I’ll be writing here over the next 2 weeks and after that, well, who knows.

Four and a half years of journalling, 4 years here at mutteringfool.com it has been one of the best parts of my life and I don’t want to give it up but, I don’t see anyway around it.

As I said, I’ll still be here for the next 15 days, after that I’ll update to the notify list until the day comes that I can bring back mutteringfool.com and fatbottomedgirls.net.

I have to stop now, I’m not helping myself leave the pit, this is just making it worse. And I can’t even see the screen anymore.

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September 16th, 2004

I haven’t written this week as I figured no one needs to hear my whining. Every post I have saved as a draft was a pile of complaining.

But, now that I’m on the mend, I’ll explain what has been going on. Pain is a way of life for me, for almost six years I’ve had constant pain in my back, hip and left leg. I deal with it. I’ve adjusted how I live and move, I gave into using a cane and wheelchair to be mobile, I’ve accepted it.

Like I said, it is part of my life. Well, since JournalCon it has gotten worse. I had a different kind of pain in my left hip. It was no longer the normal dull meow, it was a screaming, stabbing, damnit do I have jagged metal in the place of my hip, type of pain.

For a couple days, I dealt, then it got to the point I could barely walk three steps, with my cane. Last night, I hit the wall. Nothing I was doing was helping, I couldn’t sit, it hurt, can’t stand, it hurt worse, laying down made it worse.

I ended up doing some relaxing breathing (Lamaze type breathing, actually) to work through it. The pain wasn’t getting any better, in fact, I ended up laying awake, crying for almost an hour trying to wish it away.

Eventually, exhaustion got me and I fell asleep. When I woke up, today it was even worse. Now, we don’t have insurance, Tony’s a student, I’m a housewife, we don’t have it. Nor did we have the cash upfront for a doctor’s visit and there are no doctors around that will take payments.

Off we went to the Emergency Room. Yes, I know in the long run it will cost us more but, when it comes down to having food for a couple of weeks or paying a doctor’s visit, well, you have to have food to live.

The closest hospital to us is about a 45 minute drive away, we headed up there, drove through Burger King to eat as I have not been up to cooking and we knew by the time we got out of there it would be late and we would be starving.

We got there, Tony wheeled me inside to fill out the paperwork to even be triaged, while he parked the van over in the parking deck (which is a good thing as I do not like parking decks.) I waited just over an hour to be triaged, and after they triaged me I was sent right back to a room, which in this hospital, never happens.

A nurse came in to get me settled, debating the merits of having me move to the bed vs staying in my chair. Before we decided on that the Physician’s Assistant was there. She had me stand up, while she checked out my back.

I was leaning on Tony and the nurse (mainly Tony as I know he won’t break and I really don’t want to hurt a nurse) when the PA poked down the center of my lower back. Unfortunately she was pushing on the spots of my back that no one is allowed near. If you touch this part of my back, I scream.

And, I did. There’s no stopping it, I’ve tried to control it but even nominal pressure there sends shockwaves of pain through me. She looked at my hip, then ordered xrays, pain meds, and a muscle relaxer.

I took the pills, got shipped to xray, where they twisted me in a billion different ways, not a one of them in the least bit comfortable, then left me, flat on my back on the xray table.

Now, laying like that, just hurts on a normal day, by that point I was breathing so quick I thought I was going to pass out.

Then, they had to redo the xrays as they weren’t coming out well.

After the second xray they had to start waiting a minute or two between each one as it was overheating. The one thing you don’t want to hear when you’re being xrayed is that the big, radiation thing above you is overheating. I mean, Jesus, what in the hell is causing that and am I going to end up getting a megadose of scary shit and mutating?

When they were waiting for this set to be checked, again, flat on my back on the torture table. By now, I know they could hear me breathing and know how much pain I’m in. I ended up flipping to my good side and waiting out.

Back onto the stretcher, only know the back is at straight up, it’s way in the air (xray tables are much higher than a stretcher) and one guy is pushing me back with the stretcher this high up. Of course, with the stretcher in this position, he’s having a hell of a time controlling it and I got to see several walls up close and personal.

I’m back in the room for a little while watching bad television, when the PA comes back, tells me there is nothing new on the xrays, it’s from the nerve issues, I get more pain meds, a few prescriptions and sent on my way.

I’m contacting a teaching hospital in VA to see if I can get into their program so I can see a doctor regularly, possible physical therapy, and get into their pain clinic. I can’t risk another week like this past one, I really and truly hit the final wall of pain for me and just couldn’t deal with it.

It sucks living in the US without any health insurance. Doctors demand payment upfront, specialists are outrageously expensive, medications are to the point that even with insurance many are screwed. I haven’t been taking care of my health issues due to this. I coast on over the counter drugs, and those given to me by others.

My life, no, our life has suffered for it. There are many times when we have plans and I just can’t do it. There are days when I can barely move at all due to it. I’m missing out on life because of pain and lack of insurance.

And, I don’t have it as bad as many people. I have a very supportive husband. He takes care of so much more than he should have to, in order to help me. I have chronic pain due to degenerative disc disease and the subsequent nerve damage, I have PolyCystic Ovarion Syndrome that is going untreated but, I’m not dying from lack of medical care.

Too many in the USA are. That is just sad. We’re one of the wealthiest countries in the world, yet, many people suffer in pain or die due to inadequate medical care. Government programs do not cover a lot of us who have no insurance (in fact the majority of people who don’t have insurance are ineligible for Government assistance.)

Isn’t it time that something is done about it? From this one ER visit, with xrays, a couple of pills, and a few prescriptions, that was probably well over 1000 dollars in medical bills. We’ll be paying on that for years.

Shouldn’t basic health care be a right? We’re spending how many billions of fucking dollars in Iraq, yet, we can’t spend money to help USA citizens to have some basic fucking health care? We can send money all over the world for this and that, while people suffer here?

Something is wrong when we can spend billions of dollars to kill people but, very little to help our own citizens life healthy lives. Something is wrong when we can spend money to put people in jail for small marijuana violations but, not help our citizens. Something is wrong when politicians are spending extreme amounts of money to be elected, while the citizens they supposedly serve can’t go to the doctor.

Something is wrong when we spend millions and millions of dollars on unneccesary bullshit, everyday, while people are hungry, in pain, and on the streets.

Somewhere, the USA got off track. We’re more worried about killing people and updating our damn terrorist threat level than taking care of the people living here. We’re fighting over who served what time in the military over THIRTY FUCKING YEARS AGO, instead of worrying about people who are here, now.

And, it is wrong with both sides. We argue over a fucking ribbon in a picture or whether or not he was injured or not. We argue over whether all citizens should have the same rights (hello, duh, of course we should) to marry the person they love.

We argue over every damn thing instead of seeing the big picture. And it is ruining us. It’s killing our country, it is splitting us into groups that hate and name call and treat one another like shit.

It is just fucking wrong. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of arguing over dumb, petty things instead of working for the good. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of fucking politicians playing us for idiots. I’m fed up with it all. I’m sick to death of the people making the decisions for all us coming from families who never have to worry about whether or not they can go to the doctor or eat. Or worry about the school their child is attending as they can just ship their kids to a good, well financed private school.

I’m tired of being told that vouchers are the answers to school problems, even though those vouchers wouldn’t be enough for the lower middle class or poorer families to send their children to private schools.

I’m tired of hearing the President saying stupid shit about things he can’t even pronounce. I don’t want to hear that God speaks through him, damnit. We’re supposedly a country without a state religion, yet, our elected officials keep forgetting that. If you or I were to announce publically that God was speaking to us, or through us, we’d be carted off to the funny farm. Bush does it and he’s praised for it.

I’m tired of being told (by politicians) that they know where we’re coming from while they are standing there in a suit that is worth more than my car. I’m tired of the majority of politicians being white, Christian men.

Fuck it, I’m tired of all of it. I do what I can; I vote, I write my elected officials, I work the polls some years, I write letters to the editor. I do all the things I can.

Yet, it isn’t enough. Obviously, it isn’t enough as I’m still sitting here in dismay over where the USA is going and how things are run. I’d run for local office but, damn, I’m a woman, I’m young(ish), I don’t have a perfect background and the biggie, I don’t have money or a family name to carry me.

I don’t know what to do, other than keep on keeping on, with what I can do. And hoping and praying that my fellow Americans wake up and realize how fast this handbasket is heading to hell.

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