I’ve always believed in God. As far back as I can remember, I believed.
When I was a small child, I remember going to CCD classes (Sunday School only on Tuesdays) after school at the Church. I was Christened and took my First Communion in the Catholic Church. I sat in a hard pew during mass, watching the Priest, in his colorful robes, say the mass, and give the sermon. I was fascinated by the altar boys, as girls were not allowed to be altar attendents when I was growing up.
The pomp and circumstance of the church was beautiful, wonderful, reassuring. The dark wood walls, the tiled floor, the beautiful altar. Stained glass windows depicting the twelve stations of the cross along the walls of my church.
When I was sitting there it always seemed like a felt a connection to something, somewhere in the universe. It was what I thought a belief in God felt like.
My whole life, I’ve felt that, until this year. As more and more has gone wrong in my life, and I’ve sunk deeper and deeper into this depression I’m in. I’ve lost my faith.
I don’t feel a connection to the universe. I’m doubting whether or not God exists. If he does exist, why are things going so badly for me? Am I that bad of a person?
Is it my doubt that is doing this? Yet, I can’t force myself to believe. I can not force faith that just isn’t there. In despair last weekend I drove down to the Church, I parked in the side parking lot and went and sat at the one memorial area.
All alone, in the cold and dark, I talked to the sky, hoping that my lifetime of faith wasn’t a falsehood, I begged for some sign, any sign, that God is there.
I cried, tears streaming down my face, hoping for anything to help bring me back to my faith. To help me get past the hypocrisy of the supposed Christians who have made me think more and more that God doesn’t exit.
How can he when the loudest of his followers are hateful, awful people who only want to hurt others? When those who spend the most time praising him are the first ones to raise a voice or hand in anger?
How can I get my faith back when every day something else happens to make my, or my family’s, life harder? Can I believe when i hurt this much?
I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore.