Daily Archives: December 29, 2006

Bev’s meme

I’m addicted. To a game.

The game?


I started online with that version, then Tony got me the full version for Christmas (note, WalMart has it for 10 dollars, which is half price of the online one.)

I can not stop. I’m getting Chuzzle hand. My right hand looks like a claw. My eyes can see the little Chuzzles. I must kill more.

Damn games.

This is one of the more interesting memes I’ve come across so I grabbed it from the lovely Bev to post tonight.

1. Do you think the world will be a better or a worse place 100 years from now?

100 years from now, I hope that things will be better. I worry though, as the administration we have in office is doing so many things that are harmful to the environment and people.

2. Would you accept $1 million to leave the country and never set foot in it again?

Only if I could take my family and friends with me. I can’t imagine never seeing them again. Now, if they could come along too, I would leave the USA without a problem. Canada would be my preference for now.

3. If you could wake up tomorrow having one ability or quality, what would it be?

Does it have to be a realistic one? If not, I want the ability to make money appear out of thing air.

A realistic one would be the ability to draw. I have always wanted to be an artist and I just have no artistic ability at all.

4. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?

I hate these kind of questions. I have no idea what I would do.

5. If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be?

Ha, old, in my sleep, with no pain. But, that’s boring. I’d actually really like to die surrounded by my friends and family, drifting away on their love.

6. How do you feel if people sing “Happy Birthday” to you in a restaurant?

I become extremely embarrassed but, I deal with it. I’d much rather be wished happy birthday in a much quieter way.

7. If you found a good friend has AIDS, would avoid him?

Of course not. That’s really an odd question to my mind but, obviously there are people who would avoid a friend who had AIDS.

8. If you walked out of the house and found a bird with a broken wing lying in the bushes, what would you do?

Call the local Animal Control so they could tell me who to call. Although if there was a bird with a broken wing out here, the neighborhood animals would get it, sadly enough.

9. Would you be willing to spend a month of solitude in a beautiful natural setting? Food and shelter would be provided, but you would not see another person.

Without a doubt. In fact that sounds like my fantasy vacation. As long as there are books, that is. Internet would be nice but, I could deal without it.

10. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important that people mourn your death?

I’ve never really pictured it. And sitting here thinking about it, I imagine it will be small and inexpensive as I don’t want much money spent on a funeral for me.


It is late. Way too late for me to be awake if I’m going to get up tomorrow morning and be worth anything. Yet, I’m sitting here with music playing and doing everything possible to keep myself from climbing into that bed, alone, and go to sleep.

Sleep is when it comes back. When my eyes close and my breathing becomes deep and even, it is there. During the day I can fight it off, albeit, not completely, as I’ve had multiple panic attacks. Night though, I can’t stop it at all.

Six days out from the incident* and I am just not dealing well. The act of writing about the nightmares alone is bringing on the feelings. I can feel the inability to move or breath there; I can see the people around me thinking I’m just scared, then feel myself pitch forward as the oxygen level gets too low to substain me.

My hands are trembling now. The incident traumatized me much deeper than I thought possible. It is not just the fact that the negligence of others almost cost me my life but, the fact that when everything went black, it went black. There was nothingness.

I’ve been struggling with faith, or the lack thereof, for some time now. Now, I know with a lot of people this incident would have made them pray and bring them closer to God, or their version of God. Yet, I don’t feel that way. If I was dying and I was, and it was all black, is that it?

Is the last time we draw breath the end of us? Do we not really have souls in the way I was taught every Tuesday afternoon at CCD classes? Will we just go away, our bodies into the ground, and that is all?

What happened to the white light and all of that? Where were those who had gone before me? Are you really that alone as you drift out of existence?

The more I reflect on all of this, the harder it is to believe in anything. The last bit of faith is trickling away. I don’t know what to think about this. I don’t know how to get past the incident.

And, I don’t know what, if anything, I believe in anymore. That is tearing me apart inside. 31 years of faith and now it is trickling away. How can I look back on all those years and think I was wrong?

There are too many questions surrounding this. The nightmares, the blackness, the faith or none, all of it, I just don’t know how to process it.

*I have no idea of what else to call it. I think of it as “the big fuck up” but, is that appropriate?