Tony and I went to the Riverboat last night for a comedy show. The feature, Brian Kerns, and headliner, Erin Jackson, were awesome. I laughed so much last night that I got the pain I get in the back of my head from laughing too much. The one a month local comedy show has become our big night out for the month, it is a fairly cheap night if I don’t drink, and since I tend to not drink there, it works for us.
No idea why I don’t drink here typically. Last month I did, as I needed to loosen up, it was only two days after Michael’s death and we were not going, I had even told Irwin we weren’t going(Irwin books the shows, hosts, the shows and is a friend of mine.) We had gone to the Lodge’s Christmas party but, I just couldn’t hold it together, there. I started crying three times before dinner was done, thought, we would try the show, got down there, had a couple of drinks and I laughed while we were there. I needed that and I thanked Irwin for it. And the comedians.
While I was laughing though I would get a horrid feeling of guilt that I was laughing while Michael was dead. I got that feeling a lot that night, and again some last night, but, not as horrendously bad. I know that I have to move on but, it is tough. It really is hard to deal with and not feel guilty. I am still dealing with the guilt of not going to see him that day, even though he asked me to. The guilt from not going because of the snow,and other things, eats me alive.
Even though so many people have told me that there was nothing I could have done. Logically, I know that. I know that it is very likely that in the time it would have taken me to get there, he would have already been gone. That I would have found him, or seen him do it. I don’t know if I would have come back from either of those. I don’t believe he would have harmed me as a few people have claimed, I just don’t think Michael had that in him.
But, again, the guilt over being happy and laughing. The guilt over being alive eats at me sometimes. I know it is survivor’s guilt. I know that, but, it doesn’t make it any easier. One day at a time, slogging on through this. One day at a time wondering through the what ifs. One day at a time trying to move forward from this. I can do this. one day. one day.