It’s late, really late.
Today has been an extremely busy day. Three parades, Santa Claus, adorable children, a fall, driving two-plus hours, now bed.
Seriously, that was my whole day.
I’m tired. I’m sore. I’m ready for the comfort of my pillows.
However, I refuse to give up on day two this year. I’ve promised myself a beautiful lipstick if I write 20 out of 31 days. I really want that lipstick.
So, the fall. It seems that I will never be graceful. As I was crutching from my scooter to our stairs (gimp scooter, no ramp, you do the math) I fell.
I landed in an odd position with my head pointed down the hill that is our front yard. I slowly checked all my bones, my arm, my hip. There seemed to be no breaks.
I slowly gathered all my crap. Two cameras, a recorder, my basket full of various items that flew everywhere and set it all to the side. Then contemplation over how I was actually going to get off the ground.
You see being gimpy with lymphedema and fat and having muscle issues with my legs makes getting up from a fall difficult. I moved the gimp scooter, or scooter of whee if you are from my KoL friends, beside me, spun around, and got up.
Hmm, not easy, my right leg still doesn’t bend all the way, probably never will again. But, it was easier than when I fell in my laundry room 75 pounds ago.
So while I can barely see it on my face, can feel it a bit in my clothes, I can feel it a lot when I’m trying to get off the ground. Hell yeah.
This isn’t without some shame and feeling like I’m giving up on fat acceptance and that community. I worry that I am doing harm by doing this.
I have been a strong supporter of fat acceptance. Not necessarily health at every/any size as I believe in science and fat does have health effects for many us.
When I am counting calories and working my ass off exercising I feel guilt. Then, I think about how hard it is on my muscles that are screwed up, how hard it is on my lymphedema to have all the extra weight, how much I just want to feel better and it’s worth it.
I’ll never be skinny. It’s not going to happen. I have lipedema which causes fat gain, mainly in the lower body, and is pretty much impossible to get rid of, so there will always be that.
I want to keep working on this though. I want to be healthier. I want to be stronger. I want to feel better.
I’m 42 years old. It is well past time to take care of myself. We talk about self-care a lot in the circles I run in, yet so often I don’t take care of myself first. Everyone else comes before me.
That doesn’t work any longer. I have to come first.