February 28th
I did something today that I never thought I would do. My friend, Jenny, was going to the trailer she owned with Michael to clean out a bunch of things today as she is selling it. This was the place where Michael died, and the first time I had been there since his death.
Walking up to that door was one of the hardest things in my life, just because I know that he died in that building. That is the place where he hit rock bottom, thought things were as bad as they would ever get and took his life.
I did it though, I made it in there, sat in the room where he left us, and made it through. It has been 14.5 months since his death and it is still impossible to believe that he left us at 34 years old. The thought that he will never be 35, 36, 40, 50, 60, and beyond is so hard to comprehend.
Over the past year and two months I have said pretty much all I can say about him, albeit with it all wrapped up in his death, so maybe some day I’ll be able to write about him, without it being wrapped up in that day. For now this is enough. Enough words, enough sharing. I made it through something I never thought I would do and I am glad I did it.
Walking in that room seemed to make it real and make it so I can let it go, some, and move on more than I have in the past year.
Sidenote: Suicide hurts more than yourself, you hurt your family, your friends, everyone around you questions why they couldn’t save you. If you are feeling like you need to hurt yourself please get help. Call a friend, a family member, your doctor, the local hospital, or ER. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.
Please, get help, don’t do it, you have no idea how many people love you and will be drastically affected forever, even if you think they don’t, they do.