Today.

When I first opened my computer today, the first thing I saw was someone posting about another massacre. Another shooting, this time in an elementary school. Kindergarten to fourth grade. Small children, five to ten years old. Babies.

Kids the same age as many of my nieces and nephews. They range from 10 months to 18 years old, at least the ones actually related to me, there are many more than are family by love, some that are older than 18. All I could think of today was grabbing all of them, every last one of them, and going out in the middle of nowhere to hide with them all.

I wanted to keep them safe, away from everything going on in the world. I want to hide them from the threat of a school shooting, and from learning about this one. How do you tell a child that someone shot 20 young children and six more adults?

Really, I cannot take them away from the world and all threat to them. The world is an unsafe place, I cannot keep them all home forever. Instead I shut down from the outside. After a few hours of the news, I had to walk away from it. My eyes were almost swollen shut from crying, my heart was falling apart, and my body was just shaking.

I shut it all down, went and just let myself think. My mind wandered into thinking about all the Moms and Dads who are without their babies tonight. I don’t pray, not really anymore, as my faith is gone. It has been for some time, and things like this just make it even worse.

I do think good thoughts and throw them to the universe. I lit a candle and tried to send my love out to those families. Nothing will make this better, nothing will help those parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, nothing will do that.

Screaming in rage at people online, wouldn’t help either. The instant gun control battle that started just made me sick. Yes, it is a conversation that we need to have, but in the middle of this? No, wait a day, or two.

Now, I’m watching the news again, wondering why a 20 year old man decided to kill both of his parents, 20 children, six adults, and one other adult elsewhere. No one knows for sure why at this point. What brings you to that point? Even if he was mentally ill, what finally triggers that moment that you do it?

We know now so much more about why the Columbine massacre happened. That is an entirely different situation from an adult man going in and killing 20 small children. It is just as tragic, but it was more personal for those killers. This one shot his mother’s students. Why?

I don’t have answers. We may never have any answers to why this happened. One reason may be the lack of help and support for the mentally ill in the USA. That was a major factor in the VA. Tech massacre. Is that what it is? Are we just not doing enough for the mentally ill in our country? Should we maybe focus more on that than any other point?

I am not going to continue, as this will just degrade more. Hug your children, your grandchildren, your nieces and nephews tight to you tonight.

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