The scar that runs from just below my breasts, down my torso, and into my belly button is very itchy. I have lotioned it and rubbed it, and done all the normal things you are told with a scar of this size but tonight it is just making me insane.

There are times now, a year later, that I do forget about the scar and the hernias lurking underneath there. Then there are other times, like tonight, where the settling and skin pulling of it are just making me crazy and all I can think about it the scar, why I have it, and if it will ever settle anymore.

It is over 16 inches long, as I have an extremely long torso, and varies in width from very tiny to more than an inch across, in spots you can feel heavier built up scar tissue that rests over a spot where one of the internal stitches irritated my flesh more than in other areas. Right above my navel there is a heavy knot of scar tissue that hurts quite often. Tonight it is very painful, on top of the itchiness of the rest of the scar.

I grabbed the cocoa butter stick from my lotions and potions case, and gently rubbed some more of that into the scar, trying to soften some of the skin that pulls the worst. It smells incredible, like a luscious piece of chocolate. The skin is still pulling and itchy though.

Yet, I can’t be angry or very annoyed at it. This scar saved my life. The long scar is where they split me open*, removed the large tumor and kidney that encapsulated it. Even on the worst nights where the ventral hernias are really painful, I make myself remember why it is there. Then, and only then, I can deal with the pain for another day, knowing that eventually the hernias will be fixed, the scar will fade more, as will the trauma of all of this.

I rub a bit more cocoa butter into my scar, my left hand resting on it, as it does quite often, and thank the universe for sending me the doctors who saved my life. I smile over at my husband who stood by me through all of this, and it is all I can do to not wake up him with a kiss and a loud thank you, again.

2 Responses to “Scarred”

  1. bozoette Says:

    Thank you for this entry. It touched my heart.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    I keep thinking about donating one of my kidneys to my friend who is on dialysis and really needs one. Loved your entry.