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Happy Barren Bitter Hag Day.
May 9, 2004
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I hate Mother's Day.  I hate the fucking weeks and weeks of commercials of kids giving their Moms gifts.  I despise the ads in the paper.  The fucking ads on every fucking commercial website on the planet wishing you a Happy Mother's Day.

I hate the way restaurants, churches, even fucking grocery stores become so focused on this day.  The flowers for the Moms, everywhere.  I hate it all.

I am a barren, bitter hag, and I fucking want a day of my own.  I want people to wish me a Happy Barren Bitter Hag Day.  I don't want to hide in my house to avoid all the Mother's Day brouhaha.  And hide I did.  We didn't go anywhere this weekend.  Yesterday, I left the house to try and help with a committee I'm on, but that's a story for another day.

I flew through the grocery store picking up a few grocery items that could be eaten cold or cooked outside as we lost power Friday night during a pretty horrendous storm.

Today, though, I did not leave the house.  I don't need the Happy Mother's Days and the people handing all the women around me flowers, while I sit there, trying to be invisible.

Been there, done that, and I didn't even get a damn t-shirt.  

We're at almost 7 years now.  7 years of no birth control and no baby.  I'm 29 years old.  Oh, if I could go back and smack everyone who told me I was too young to be worrying about getting pregnant.  Yeah, I was 22 then, now I'm 29 and still childless.

Yeah, I'm fucking bitter about it.  I've earned every bitter fucking tear.  I've peed on more damn stupid sticks than any woman ever should have to.  And there is never a second line.  

Today, I sit here, sad.  I spent the day with my Mom, Granny, and family.  6 women, 4 Moms, 1 not ready yet, 1 who was ready 7 years ago.  I'm good in front of them, no tears.  Not a one, hit my face in front of my family.

It was only tonight, once I was alone (Tony's at his Mom's) that it got bad.  I let a couple tears fall, when I was on the phone with him.  I tried not to, but, I needed my husband's voice.  He offered to have an anti-Mother's Day for me.  

So, barren bitter hags of the world unite.  Screw this Mother's Day crap.  

*The barren bitter hags bit comes from seeing several women call infertile women that.  I've decided to embrace it, fuck those who have no clue what it's like, and the horse they rode in on.  

As for my infertile friends, I've been thinking about you all, all day.  I know how tough today was.  I know how you feel invisible on this day.  I know how many Kleenex have been filled with tears and crumpled.  If no one else, is, I'm thinking of you.  

Suzy Smith 


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