I've been a wreck all day.  I don't feel good, I'm tired, I had a board of officers' meeting this morning and an election tonight.

An election, I'm postive I'll lose.  So positive, in fact, that I have already volunteered to hold another position in the (insert animal here) Chapter.  I almost withdrew my name from the ballot, since I know it's a lost cause, but I'm too stubborn to do that.

Instead, I'm sitting here, knowing what I'm going into in a little while and wishing I could stay home.  

I know I'm not a good fit for the (insert animal here).  I'm younger than the average active member by quite a bit.  I'm tattooed, pierced, and dress funny (yes, that's how I was described by one woman, who didn't realize I was sitting there.)  My family comes before anything to do with the Chapter.  It does, sorry to anyone who thinks it should be different.  

Plus, I just don't fit in the office I'm holding now.  I can't do the visitations that should be done, or the delivering of stuff, except on really good days.  My body just can't hack it.  Not to mention, I open my mouth and speak what's on my mind, 99% of the time.

Don't get me wrong, I like what the organization stands for.  I love the work we do, I just know that the other women do not see me as a good fit for the group.  

And, really my whole life has been like that.  I've never fit in completely anywhere.  Not in school, not in my family, not in any group I've been a part of.  I'm always the odd ball, the strange one with the big mouth.

Even online, I don't fit into any particular group.  Oh, I'm a regular at several forums, but none of them are the perfect fit for me.  I'm my true self online, as I am in real life which means I just don't fit one niche.  Most of the friends I have made online, over the years, I have little contact with now.  Life got in the way and I'm back to my same old, same old.

I can't change that, I am who I am, regardless of what others think.  It just hurts me to know that no matter what I do, how hard I work, how much physical pain I put myself in, I'm always going to be on the outside looking in.  

In my life I can think of maybe 3 people who accept me completely, with all my faults, oddities, and viewpoints.  3 people in a world of 6 billion is frightening.  Okay, 3 adults, and a couple of kids whom I adore.  I just hope those kids always accept me for who I am.

I'm finished with the selfpity, for now.  Actually, this isn't even pity, it's just a realistic look at who I am.  I'm me, all of me, a weirdo who doesn't belong.
Suzy Smith