Beauty in the World

August 9th, 2016

Even with all of this going on, I realized that I am a lucky woman. I have a huge group of people supporting me through this journey.

Eight years ago when I was originally diagnosed I had two awesome groups of people (beyond my local family and friends) who helped support me through my nephrectomy and recovery.

I have found more and more people from literally all over the world who have my back. I have my local friends, family, and people who know me through my work on the paper, who are behind me.

I have my expanded circle of people from high school and college who are pulling for me.

I have one of my chosen families whom I only get to see once a year in Ohio who have surrounded me with their love on multiple occasions and even more so this time. I lovenb youkall.(I will be healthy enough for shenanigans, punch bowls of doom and scooter of whee in November!)

I have another group whom I have bonded with through us all sharing our lives online before there were blogs. They are my rocks, part of my foundation.

There are so many others pulling for me that if by love, prayer and support alone this could be vanquished I would be cured.

I can’t even get into the support of my family, my bestie, and my chosen family here. These people whom I have been friends with for so many years and their kids, and their kids’ friends, so many of whom call me aunt.

It humbles me. The love and support and beauty of this often harsh world, humbles me.

It’s going to be tough, it won’t be pretty, but we fight with your support behind us.

I love you all. I thank you all for your love and support.

?#?fuckcancer? ?#?nerdstrong?


Let’s do this.

August 7th, 2016
(warning, possible swearing ahead. cancer content.)
I’ve spent the weekend feeling sorry for myself, not doing much of anything.
That’s done. I’m scared because cancer is scary and horrible and awful, but feeling sorry for myself is not going to make it go away.
Time to pull my ass up, get it in gear, and live my life. Time to fight, time to hope, time to do everything I can to complete my bucket list.
It is time to embrace seizing the motherfucking day. It is time to work more to raise money for research for not just kidney cancer, all cancers.
It is time to say #fuckcancer. It is time for #nerdstrength and to embrace the woman that I am and make her more like my little girl hero #WonderWoman.
It is past time of caring what others think of me. Don’t like the fact that I’m short and fat? Too bad.
Don’t like that I am loud and proud? Oh, well.
Have an issue with my politics? Jokers to the right, bitches.
Don’t like my tattoos? Oh, for crying out loud it’s 2016, my Mom has a tattoo. Get over it.
Don’t like my hair? Sorry, not sorry.
Don’t like that I don’t kowtow to your interests? Waah.
Let’s do this. Fight time. My time. Embracing the time we all have left here, as you know what? None of us know the moment we leave. None of us know what tomorrow will bring.
I got this. You up for coming along for the ride?
I know my husband is. I know my ride or die bestie is. How about you?

Fucking Cancer

August 5th, 2016

I was originally diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma, clear type, stage 1B in 2008.

They found my first lung nodules a couple years ago and just watched them.

It seems I have multiple lung nodules and a bunch of enlarged lymph nodes.

We know what that means.  It sucks, it’s awful. I’m fucking scared.

I hate cancer. Fuck Cancer.

This is not what MutteringFool was started to be all those years ago. It was a diary of my life, now it’s going to be a diary of what’s left.

Join me for the ride.


Dinner with my niece

January 8th, 2016

Well, I had a well thought out long post here and wordpress killed it.

A quickie then as it is late and I have other things to do before I can sleep tonight.

I had a nice dinner tonight with my niece.  She’s 16 and beautiful.


She is definitely a teenager, though. She’s in the throes of teenagerness, dealing with all the things that go along with it: friend drama, dating drama (had the first fight with her girlfriend tonight,) school worries, driving worries, body issues.

All the things you’d expect from a teenage girl. All the things you wish they didn’t have to go through.
The worst is she doesn’t like the way she looks. You know how most American woman dislike their bodies, their faces, their hair. We have it pushed into our brains that we are not good enough, never good enough.

She’s in the worst of it.

Prior to dinner, I had a discussion with her and a friend about how in 20 years they’ll look back at pictures of themselves and realize how cute they were.

I do it. I was fat, but not as fat as I thought. My hair was pretty, my eyes were too. Yet, I thought I was horrid looking. Now, I look back and wonder why my brain would betray me in such a way.

I wish I could make all of that go away for her. I wish I could give her a 40-year-old perspective on it.

Yet at the same time, I look in the mirror and see the grey in my hair, the wrinkles starting on my face, how my skin on my hands is starting to thing, and it is difficult to not feel bad.

Especially at a time when women are still treated poorly for aging. Hell, look at what Carrie Fisher has been through with the release of Episode 7.

So much has been said about how “poorly” she has aged. It’s 40 years later. FORTY and some people seem to think she’s should still look like a 19-year-old.

It just doesn’t work that way.

Not for any of us.

It’s ridiculous.

Carrie Fisher though?  She has handled it with aplomb.  I only hope I can be more like her and encourage my niece to be more like her.

For that matter, all women to be more like her.  We age, if we’re lucky. We’re not perfect, no one is.

We’re so hard on ourselves that it is just beyond words.

Now, it is late and I’ve rambled and I need to wrap my husband’s birthday present.  He turns 42 on Monday. We’ve been together since he was 22. Talk about changing, we’ve changed together and I love it.


Christmas in our house.

January 7th, 2016

In August/September of 2015 we moved into a new home. A much larger home actually in town limits.

It has been awesome. And it allowed me to do something I have always wanted to do-have multiple Christmas trees.

This year we had the main, Star Wars decorated, my silver and gold one, a white one with blue lights, a small blue and silver Kurt Adler one, and a baking decorated one with white lights. That is plus the wooden one with multicolored lights Daddy made me and a plain green one that just decorated the bookshelf.

So seven trees, total. From 18 inches tall to seven-foot tall. A tiny skinny tree to a reasonably full one. All of which I owned, bar the big one, before this year.

Here are a few pictures, taken with the lights off in the house.



Side of Star Wars tree, small white with blue lights


6.5 foot tall and only 18 inches across.


Large Star Wars Tree


Large tree and lighted wreath that Mom and Dad got us a coupe years ago.


Our mantle with the Kurt Adler Star Wars tree








The baking tree that ended up in the bathroom as it looked gorgeous in there.

The baking tree that ended up in the bathroom as it looked gorgeous in there.